Sometimes, I just want to hide.
There are days when I just want to run away and hide some place where no one knows me, no one is demanding anything of me, no one is there to take advantage of me, no one is there to hurt me. I am so tired of being pulled in a thousand places and never being able to just be. I am tired of being angry, of fighting over stupid things, of being dismissed and disregarded.
I don’t know what is with these kids lately, but sometimes it feels like they are ganging up on me. I know they aren’t, but the neverending shit makes it seem like that. It just is non-stop, one thing after another, half the time repeats of the same crap. No sooner does one stop and another starts, almost literally.
Ka’lani and Scott do nothing but fight lately. Not physically, although sometimes I think that would be easier to deal with. When they get going with one another, is just grating on my nerves. Each one of them cops the most obnoxious, know-it-all attitude that just makes me want to scream with frustration. But it is the whining that is like nails on a chalkboard to me. It drives me insane to hear them just whine and whine and whine. They don’t pay any attention to what the other one is saying and half the time, they aren’t even listening to themselves. It is just the kid version of the manly “who has bigger balls” thing. I can answer that one for them. I HAVE THE BIGGEST BALLS!!!
All three of the youngest ones also seem to have decided that the rules just don’t exist. Rules that have never been a problem before are suddenly being bucked. And when they are called on it, they act like it is the first time they have ever heard this stuff. A rule broken here and there, I would be okay with. But it is EVERYTHING, all at the same time. From little stuff to big, and it just grates on the nerves. Little things like opening new packages of food without first finishing the open one. They know perfectly well not to do that and it has NEVER been a problem. But all of a sudden, EVERYTHING gets opened. Little things like putting things away when they are done with them. NEVER used to be a problem, but now the playroom looks like a tornado hit within moments of being in it. They can even manage to put food away when they get a snack or clean up when they spill something. They NEVER have been like that. And the bigger stuff, like lying and bullying each other has gotten out of control. Ty has suddenly decided to have a temper fit from HELL when he doesn’t get what he wants. What the freakin’ hell? Has the world gone insane?
And Donovan. I don’t even know where to start with him. I am SO sick of his arrogant attitude. It is like he thinks that because he is smart, he is above the rules of the lowly peons. Frankly, I really don’t give a shit HOW smart he is. Being smart doesn’t mean you can be an ass to the people around you. I don’t think he even has a clue just how disrespectful he really is. He is so wrapped in his own life, that it doesn’t even register that there are other people around him that have lives and feelings. He has no appreciation for the things he has and how easy he really has it around here.
They really don’t get that I am a person, too, with thoughts, feelings and a life outside of being “Mom”. They don’t get how much they hurt me and how alone they make me feel. I get that there are a lot of nuances about adult life that the younger three don’t get, but there is a lot of that Donovan should. And the fact that it doesn’t seem to matter to him outside of how it affects him personally just hurts me, heart and soul.
I gave up my career and completely changed the course of my life for my family, and it was the right thing to do. But when did I agree to give up myself in the process? Because that is what I am to my family. Nothing. I am just the human PDA, there to provide rides, food, money, clean laundry and to see to all their needs. Nobody even talks to me unless they want to talk about themselves or they want something. And if I try to talk to them, almost immediately the eyes glaze over and they stop listening. I spend hours listening to them talk about whatever it is that is important to them, and I am always there when they need comfort. But the most I get is a quick hug and they are off to whatever else is more important. How come I am the only in this family that gets that it shouldn’t matter if something is important to you personally to be supportive? If it is important to someone you love, that alone should make it important enough to you to care enough to be there for them.
None of them, Corey included, really understand what I am trying to tell them, and they don’t even really try to. They say the words and then forget all about it. They don’t see how much that is a slap in the face to me, and how much that hurts me. And when they do try to do something for me or be there for me, it is usually such a half-assed attempt that they might as well not have even bothered. And knowing it was half-assed hurts, because I am not even worth that to them. Yes, sometimes they really are there for me, but so rarely that it hurts. They don’t get that they make me feel worthless, that I don’t matter. They don’t even see how miserable I am most of the time, because they just never take the time to look.
As it is, I have spent most of the morning in tears. None of the three youngest have even noticed and I am at my computer right in the living room within sight of all of them. The oldest? He just left, even though he was the one that really set me off.