Grudges

Posted 28 September 2009 by Kim in Bitches & Moans, Blast from the Past / 0 Comments

I pride myself on being open-minded and forgiving, but I am definately having issues with the ex-husband.  I didn’t think any of the drama with him bothered me any more, but I am beginning to think that I was fooling myself, that it was just a matter of out of sight, out of mind.  At first, I thought it was just the stuff that had to do with Ka’lani that bothered me, but if I am being honest, there is definately more to it. 

He comes back into my life after years of silence, after a marriage that left me pretty scarred.  This guy cheated on me and lied to me, repeatedly, over the course of our short marriage.  It took me a long time to figure out what was happening because it was so far from how I thought that I just didn’t see the signs that are so obvious in hindsight.  People told me what was going on, but I wore blinders and didn’t believe a thing they told me.  Even after, I did figure it out, I stayed for a long time.  I wanted so much for it to work, but I finally realized that it was never going to, and that wasn’t my fault.  It took me a long time to get to the point where I accepted that, but I did.  Life went on and I thought I had moved beyond the bitterness and the anger.

But now I feel like a doormat all over again.  He has taken to talking to me about his problems with his wife and sometimes it just feels like a slap in the face.  He tells me all about how much it hurts to be cheated on and how lost he feels, etc.  It makes me want to scream sometimes.  I feel like it is a big slap in the face because he clearly doesn’t get or is ignoring the fact that this is exactly what he did to me, but far more times.  He expects sympathy from me about it, and on some level, I do have sympathy.  But how does he not get how much it hurts to hear him talk about how hard it is on him?!  It’s like his feelings matter, and mine never did. 

And no matter how many times I try to rationalize it, it still bothers the hell out of me that he doesn’t acknowledge Ka’lani as his.  It is such a slap in the face to Ka’lani and to me, and neither one of us deserve it.  He has a daughter, who is beautiful, but he has a son, too, damn it.

I guess somewhere inside me I really need some acknowledgement for what he has done, for him to take responsibility for all the pain he caused, to apologize.  I think he is a good guy at heart, I really do.  But it would be nice to really see it.

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