7.20.2012 | Friday

The challenge of questing…

category: Pondering Life

reading time: 4 minutes

There are days when my quest to destress my life and live with more positivity is sorely challenged.  Today is one of those days.  I tend to get a major case of ass when I see certain things, namely instances of hypocrisy, unfair judgement calls, and just plain meanness.  It is a hard habit to break, especially since there seems to be more and more of it these days.  Facebook is my "go to" social connection most days and my wall is filled with it.  I am not talking about personal negativity and venting;  all of that is normal and fine.  In that respect, Facebook is just another medium for communication, like this blog or face-to-face conversation.  What I am talking about goes well beyond that.  I have read more posts in the past few days protesting using Facebook as a means to perpetuate drama.  Most of the writers have been talked off about one person or another talking smack about them on Facebook, calling them out by name.  Well, I don't blame them for being pissed.  It's obnoxious, unnecessary, and totally juvenile.  But all too often, those same posts do the very same thing that they are are claiming to be annoyed about, calling out names and talking smack.  Two wrongs don't make it right.  I just don't get calling out people by name.  That takes whatever issue exists and makes it ten times worse.  And what is the point?  We aren't in grade school anymore, so what purpose does it serve.  People seem to be using the relative safety shield of social media like Facebook as a weapon.  There have been a lot of really aggressive posts that cast judgements on others, very often including the very people that are reading their posts.  I have zero problem with people posting about their faith or politics, but with that should come understanding that not everyone is going to feel or believe the way that you do.  And that should be okay, but it clearly isn't.  If I see one more post about the Pledge of Allegience, and the "under God" part, I may lose my mind.  Most of them contain a comment about how, if you don't believe in God or don't say it, then you should get the hell out of the country.  As an Army vet and a non-Christian, that just plain pisses me off on principle, despite the fact that I, too, say "under God".   I have been called ignorant and stupid, on my own wall, by people who are supposed to be my friends simply because I have my own opinions.  I have totally different life experiences than many, and therefore have different viewpoints sometimes.  Why is it, just because they are different, they have to be stupid?  It comes down to respect and there isn't a lot of it.  It makes my blood boil and it goes against the grain of who I am to see it and not do/say something.  But all that does is add stress, not relieve it.'  My husband tells me to start deleting, and I get his point.  But I don't want to do that.  95% of my friends list are people I really know.  Some are from my growing up days and others from my Army life.  Others I have known for years through blogging, pixeling, or a myriad of other groups.  These are friendships that have time and memories attached to them.  I think that is part of the reason that what I see so much of is so disturbing to me.  These are people I know, one way or another

Life and people, over the last couple of years particularly, have really jaded me and turned me into a bit of a hardcore cynic.  I don't trust like I used to.  I am not as free with myself with people as I used to be.  I think it really hit home a couple years ago when a person I thought was a friend turned on me in a big way.  It was completely unmitigated and it hurt me and changed me in fundamental ways.  That wasn't the only incident, but it was the one that began changing me.  There have been other things, too, and they only served to prove that closing myself off was necessary.  And I don't like that.  It isn't who I am, or at least who I used to be.

I want less drama.  Bottom line.  I want to feel joyful and fulfilled and to be able look at life from a positive place again.  Peacefulness, that is what I want.  Renee made the comment that once you open your mind to the Universe, you begin to find the answers and guidance you need to forge a new path.  I am opening, I am listening, and I am forging.  But it isn't all sunshine, rainbows, and bunny rabbits.  Sometimes it takes a deliberate action (or even  inaction).  Sometimes you have to look beyond your own world and open yourself to new things, and even new people, in order to change the things that need to be changed.  There is a reason that the cliché of "out with the old, in with the new" exists.  Sometimes you have to let go of things or relationships in order to free yourself for something new and healthy.  I have a hangup up about that, especially with my pathological need to please others, and ending friendships when they become toxic is hard for me.  And that right there is a sign that the Universe is speaking to me.  I was thinking about this last night, my inability to end toxic relationships.  This morning, I found a link on Facebook by author Deborah Blake to her blog post.  It was about her own need to be liked and to please others.  I have gotten to know her through Facebook and Twitter and a class I took that she taught.  I also happen to have most of her books, both fiction and pagan-based, books that I have had since before I met Deborah,  Because of that, I was interested to hear her take on the subject, and the fact that it came on the heels of my own thinking about it just seemed to be more than a coincidence.  While it didn't necessarily give me any answers or solutions, it made me feel less alone.  And sometimes, that is enough.

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