As is probably clear from my posts lately, I am really on a mission to change things for myself. I have bitching about this rut I am in for a long time, and haven't done a damn thing to get out of it. It isn't that I haven't wanted to, but that I had no idea where or how to begin. I am a smart chick, and a strong one, used to taking care of anything and everything on my own. But priorities have put me at the bottom of the list, even for myself. One day not too long ago, my friend Autumn and I had a long conversation. The kind full of deep and dark confessions and recounting of our pasts. Finally being able to let a lot of that out helped, a ton. No matter how much we want to ignore it, in many real ways, our pasts affect anything and everything in our lives until we really deal with them and let them go. It was such a relief to talk to her with no worries about being judged or having our friendship tarnished. I am more than a little jaded and reserved when it comes to friends and trust, so tht was a wonderful thing. Over the past couple of years, I have really backed off and closed myself off from friends after some pretty bad situations. This is something that is starting to change, which is a good thing. And Autumn and Renee are both a huge part of that.
But there is a whole lot of cynic still left in this girl, and no small amount of negativity, more than I realized. The blogs and things I have been reading are all about positivity. Not that positivity is at all bad, and it is certainnly my goal, but the jaded Kim reads it and she thinks "fluffy bunny psychobabble bullshit". That probably isn't the attitude that one is supposed to have when embarking on this journey. Or isn't it? Maybe that is the attitude to have. Maybe it is healthy to question and to read and to explore and then to take from it that which works for me. I have been told by many that I don't think like a girl, and that is probably true. Life and experiences have made me who I am so it is probably unrealistic to expect all of the positive affirmation stuff, and the like, to immediately speak to me. It isn't who I am, at least not yet. But even if it isn't me right now, that doesn't mean that it can't be eventually, or that there is nothing to be gained from what I am reading.
I have signed up for all kinds of things, one of which is "Sacred Journey Through Journaling", two weeks of free journaling prompts from Blessing Manifesting. Every day, insightful prompts are sent to your email, to be used to really make you think. I haven't blogged on all of them yet because I want to think more on most of them before I put pen to paper, or in the case of blogging, finger to key! But they are excellent, and Dominee has done a great job with this. I also signed up for free weekly prompts from "A Year With Myself", prompts also designed to make you think about different aspects of your life. I also discovered The Receiving Project today, all about learning to be more receptive to recognizing and receiving the gifts of the universe. this sounded like just thing I need to help get past the negativity and the jadedness.
All of my reading and exploring lately has given me something that I haven't had in a long time, even in the face of my jaded attitude. Hope. Hope that I can get out of this rut, that there is something more out there for me. Hope that I can feel satisfied once again, with myself and my place in the world. I have felt lighter than I have in a very long time, and it is just the begininning. The thing about hope is that it lifts you up, makes you feel inspired and that anything is possible. The thing about hope is that you can be lifted so high that, when you fall, you fall that much harder, And that makes you want to give up completely and just settle. That was where I was last night.
It is truly backwards. It takes so much effort to lift yourself up, to fight your way to where you want to be. But it only takes one moment, one situation, to push you all the way back down. That's where I was last night. All the way down. Right back to feeling like nothing was ever going to change. Right back to feeling like nothing I did or could be was ever going to be enough. Right back to feeling like it wasn't worth it, that I wasn't worth it. Right back to feeling alone. Morning came, and I want to say that I woke up refreshed and feeling better. But that wouldn't be true. I still feel pretty defeated and that the path to where I want to be just isn't worth the struggles it seems to take to get there. But if I give in and give up, then I can guarantee that nothing will ever change. I read a blog post somewhere, and I wish I could remember where, that listed a ton of reasons why not to give up. Most of those reasons were personal to the writer, and just didn't apply to me. But one did. "As long as you are alive, anything is possible." Simplistic it may be, but it is fundamentally true.