This has been an illuminating weekend, even if I spent most of it tethered to textbooks and my laptop. It started with a post from Dominee of Blessing Manifesting, whom I adore. The girl, while well over a decade younger than me, is one of the wisest and kindest souls I have ever met. And she does it in a completely non-fluffy bunny way, which makes her all the more wonderful. She wrote a post about change and how it doesn't always seem to be worth the chaos and upheaval it causes, that sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. Go read the post. It is dead on and insightful and it made me look at the issues I am having with change in my own life.
Change = Chaos?!
I was pretty miserable, prior to leaving New York. It wasn't just any one thing, but more of a general dissatisfaction with life. Family, friends, me. All of it. There are tons of reasons and things that happened to lead me to feeling the way that I did, most of which I have talked about at one time or another on the blog. I wanted change. I needed change. The negative BS was dragging me down to the point that sometimes I felt like I was drowning. Moving to Arizona became sort of a symbol for me, a fresh start. A fresh start for life, for family, for my health, for me. Maybe I pinned too much hope on that, or had unreal expectations, or maybe it is just part of the process of change, but it hasn't been as fluffy bunny wonderful as I guess I secretly hoped it would be. Some things are better, some things aren't.
When you make positive changes, or try to, you don't anticipate the down side. At least, I didn't, and maybe I should have. The big three…
- The teasing. I get that not everybody gets the "positive change" stuff, and that's okay. I expected some teasing about it. But what I didn't expect was the teasing to the point of cruelty and bullying. That just sucks. I didn't anticipate that at all, not to that extent. I have gotten some pretty nasty comments from "friends" that are just plain mean.
- No support. The other thing I hoped for was a little support, and I haven't really gotten that AT ALL. My changes and quest for positivity are accepted, as long as I don't ask for anything along the way. And that part is really hard, especially when it is inside your own little family unit. I get that change comes from within, but the reality is that the people around you affect that. I have
yelled criedasked for help with that, for them to maybe tone it down a little, my husband especially. He has the patience of a gnat and it frequently causes him to be overly negative. It drives me nuts and it affects EVERYONE around him. I have been fighting that battle for years to no avail. And it is frustrating as hell.
- The anger/resentment. Some of this comes from #2. Actually, a lot of it comes from #2. I ask for very little around here, so it really hurts that I have no real support. They know I have been miserable, but it doesn't matter enough for them to put themselves out to help me. That is not what a family is supposed to be like. It's basically the story of my life around here. Kim/Mama can do what she wants as long as it doesn't require anything of <insert name here>. That doesn't help my need for positivity AT ALL. The other side of that comes from my changes themselves. I have learned that, once you embrace the positive, it makes the negative stand out all that much more. And that drives me insane. This whole thing is supposed to be about embracing the positive, but the negative is so much more annoying now!
Embracing the Wild Woman
Follow your iner moonlight; don't hide the madness.
I'm not talking about insane madness, but the things that make us US. The uniqueness, the quirks,, the creativity. That sort of thing. The things that make us different, make us who we are. She asked a question… do you let yourself shine like the moonlight, or do you hide it away from the world?
My first instinct was to answer that I don't hide it. I mean, I am 42 and I sport hot pink hair. Subtlety is not a concept I tend to embrace. But inner moonlight is more than that. It isn't just about being visually bold. It is about being bold and fabulous in every way. It is about not being afraid to be who you are and to show it. It's about not giving a damn how the world sees you but how you see yourself. I'd like to think that I let it shine.
But I thought about it, really thought about it. And I realized that I really don't, not like I really want. There is a whole lot of me that I "tone down" for public consumption. And why? That just means that I am essentially living by others' rules and why the hell should I do that? That isn't me, and there isn't a damn thing wrong with being me.
I had an "almost boyfriend" (and still great friend) tell me a few years ago that, back when he wanted to date me, I was intense. Not intense in the emo sense, but intense in living with heart, soul, and passion. He told me that I had a fire in me that drew him in and scared the hell out of him at the same time. He told me that he had never met anyone before me, or after, that lived my life the way I did. Full-speed, passionatey, and with no fear. I had never looked at myself that way, but he was right. I did. When I loved, I loved hard. When I played, I played hard. When I made mistakes, I made big ones. I lived by the motto "go big or go home" and it was just the way I was. Admittedly, that time in my life was coming after some intensely bad times, times that had filled me with fear. While I don't miss the bad times that got me there, I miss that me.
When did I stop living like that? The minute I started listening to other people instead of my own heart and soul. That was when it started to erode. That is when I started living to other people's rules and expectations. Well, to hell with that! Why should I conform when that isn't who I am. That implies that there is something wrong with me, wrong with how I think and feel and dress and live. And there isn't.