Authenticity and Transformation

reading time: 4 minutes

Transformation is my favorite game and in my experience, anger and frustration are the result of you not being authentic somewhere in your life or with someone in your life. Being fake about anything creates a block inside of you. Life can’t work for you if you don’t show up as you.

-Jason Mraz

I love this quote because it is true.  I also wish it was really that easy to be real and authentic all the time.

Being true to yourself…

It seems like the person it should be the easiest to be real with is yourself.  But is it really?

Sometimes we get in such a rut with life that we totally lose ourselves in the process, stop living life as it should be lived and instead just coast through day to day.  This is what happened to me.  Sometimes it is just because the everyday chaos of life just becomes the focus, never stepping back long enough to relax and truly enjoy it.  Instead, it is about keeping up with the laundry, the bills, the family, etc.  That’s when you get in a rut, the same thing each and every day, life becoming a “to do” list of things needing to be done.  Sometimes, too, life itself just wears you down, partly because of the routine of it, but often because of things that happen.  This is also part of my story.  For a long time, it has felt like life was a series of hits, one right after another with barely a break to recover before the next hit pummeled me down.  It was exhausting.

What does this have to do with being real with yourself?  A lot, in my opinion.  Because of all of these things, I forgot to think of myself.  Instead, it was about getting from one moment to the net, checking off one more thing on my list of things to do.  I didn’t live life; it lived me.  It had been so long that I had stopped to consider myself that sometimes I still have no idea who I am.  And it is hard to be authentic with yourself, or others, if you don’t know who you are anymore.

It’s taken time, but I am getting there.  But it is a hell of a struggle, more than I ever anticipated.  One of the posts that really made me think about being true to myself was this one.  Written by Tara Wagner, of Organic Sister, it talks about the difference between serving and being a servant.  It’s a pretty powerful read about intentions and one that lit that light bulb for me in a lot of ways.

Being authentic with others…

Being authentic with others can mean so many different things.  It’s not really about being fake for me, because that is something I am truly not.  I am what I am, for better or worse.  It’s more about withholding and about boundaries.

Dominee of Blessing Manifesting wrote an amazing post about boundaries awhile back.  I have boundaries and I am finding that people tend to totally ignore them.  It’s getting to the point where I don’t want to do anything for anybody.  Some of it is because it frequently comes in the form of demands.  Other times it is because of the sheer lack of gratitude given in return, not to mention the total lack of reciprocity.  Sometimes it is just because I am sick of being yelled at when I can’t do exactly what you want, when you want, and how you want.  Why ask me to do something if you are just going to yell at me?  I am not responsible for everything and sometimes people need to take responsibility for their own lives and needs instead of expecting others to do it for them.

I withhold a lot, too.  Why?  A lot of it is because I am tired of being treated with disregard.  And sometimes it is simply because you just can’t tell it like it is, even when you want to.  Standing up for yourself and refusing to allow yourself to be treated badly is a great concept on paper.  But there are times that the fallout from speaking up is worse than how you were treated in the first place.  It isn’t right, but it is true and it is something that I am struggling with.  I cannot stand to be treated like crap, like a doormat.  But the sheer amount of crap that comes with standing up for myself usually makes me feel even worse.  And that breeds anger, frustration, and resentment.

Where is the line?

I wish I knew the answer to that question.  I have talked about it before, but this time of change for me is bringing unanticipated side effects to my life.  A complete and total hypersensitivity to BS the biggest one of them.  In some ways, this sensitivity is a good thing.  It has caused me to take a step back and and learn to be less of a servant/doormat.  But the anger and resentment?  If I stopped withholding it and let it out where it needs to go, I am pretty sure that I would become a raging bitch in about 5 seconds flat.  That I don’t want.

The fact is that people seem to be getting increasingly more cruel and hateful towards one another.  The sheer amount of judgments I see being leveled by otherwise good, intelligent people is shocking to me.  Some of things said are things that most people would never say face to face, but the anonymity of a computer screen makes it so much easier.  The holier than thou attitudes that serve no purpose other than to make others feel bad?  What is the point?  I have had more friends hurt by insensitive things said by people who didn’t for a second consider their audience, different experiences, etc.  Some of the things I see people post on social media are so out of line that it is ridiculous.  It is nothing more than the spreading of fear or hate, with no respect for others beliefs, faith, or experiences.  In this day and age, it seems unbelievably wrong that there is so little respect for the differences between us.

 

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