I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about life and relationships, all kinds of relationships… family and friends. The last several years have had their ups and downs, often more downs than ups. I watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower recently and a quote from that really struck me.
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
That quote sums up my life. I don’t know when it started, or why, but a long time ago, I started accepting love and treatment that I didn’t deserve. People treat you as you demand, allow, and accept. It is a sad fact of reality that people tend to treat each other with disregard. It is somehow easier to treat people as badly as you can get away with, as if it takes so much more effort to treat one another with kindness and respect and compassion. I don’t understand that. It takes no more effort to say something with kindness than it does to be dismissive or cruel. There’s the idea that words hurt more, scar more, than the physical and I think that is true. It is so much easier to accept and believe the bad than it is to demand more. Vivian in Pretty Woman says it all…
People put you down enough, you start to believe it. The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?
That’s just a sad statement on humanity. I don’t want to live that way. I have been through a lot of betrayal over the last few years, especially with friends. There have been two notable ones in the last few years that have shaken my faith in women and friendship, along with a host of other incidents. I feel like women spend too much time competing with each other, backstabbing each other. Where is the sisterhood? There is little motivation to seek out friendships with women because I have very little trust whatsoever. My world of trusted people has really narrowed.
I have become cynical and bitter; there is no denying that. I don’t want to live my life like that, isolated and distrustful. But I am not willing to settle. One-sided friendships are not true friendships. I am tired of putting myself out there and that not being reciprocated. I deserve better than that. This is true of all parts of my life, in relationships with friends and family.
The thing is… I have to treat myself better and give myself the love before anyone else will. If I keep letting people treat me like crap while I am always for them, nothing will ever change. I suck at letting relationships go, never wanting to hurt feelings. But at some point, I have to have that same consideration for my own feelings and let go of those relationships that do nothing but bring me heartache.