There is a down side to being reflective. Memories. Frustration. Sadness. The reminder of how little faith in humanity I have these days. As much as I don’t want to revisit these things, there is no way to cope and to heal without working through them. But denying it or ignoring it won’t help. I don’t know if I am strong enough for it, but I also know that something has to change.
There is no getting around the fact that I have changed over the last year. There are a lot of days when I just go through the motions of being happy. A lot of the time I am a long way from happy. There is also no denying that it has been made a whole lot worse by how I was treated by a lot of people. The last year has left me in a place that I would not wish on anyone. I hate feeling like I do and feeling as lost as I do. But I have no idea how to get beyond it.
If there is one thing I learned this past year, hell… the past several years, it is that people have an enormous capacity for cruelty. That has shaken the foundation of my faith in people and in my spirituality. It’s hard to get beyond it when it is staring me in the face each and every day in big ways and small. It is like compassion and kindness are dated concepts that no one acknowledges anymore. I hate it. It’s everywhere I look. Disrespect, intolerance, hatred, cruelty, disregard. There is no appreciation or acknowledgment of our fellow human beings. It seems hopeless sometimes because it seems like everything has to be a fight. I have had more than my share of heartache, loss, and cruelty over the last few years. It has left me virtually incapable of dealing with any more BS. And it has made me hypersensitive to it. I am so mired in it that I have no idea how to work around it. I am lost.