The last ER
I watched the series finale of ER last night, threatening children into silence for the entire time. I have watched ER since it started and it has always been one of my favorite all-time shows, so it is sad to see it go! What am I going to do with my Thursday nights now?! There was a subplot with an older couple that have had a recurring plot line this season, and it tore me up. She had MS and after her last bout in the hospital had decided on a DNR (do not resuscitate). She came back to the hospital with difficult and irregular breathing, common occurences as you near death. The whole thing just reminded me of my grandmother, who passed away a year ago next Friday. Seeing the woman on TV lying in her hospital bed just brought back the memories of how sick she was toward the end. And when the woman on the show died, it kind of pushed me over the edge. All I could see in my head was my grandmother when I got to her house that morning, gone but still in her bed. And that led to memories of the funeral home and how little she looked like the grandmother I knew and loved. Her illnesses had ravaged her to the point that there was only so much that could be done to prepare her for the viewing. It is something that still gives me nightmares nearly a year later. As the anniversary of her death approaches, I realize just how not over it I am.
Finding my way
I have been on a bit of a spiritual quest lately, trying to refind my path after several years of almost non-stop bad things, one right after another. In my quest, I have realized that certain things have to happen in order for me to find my way again. One of those is brutal honesty with myself. And, if I am being honest, part of my problem in getting past her death is guilt . The guilt comes from my occasional lack of patience with her. I suppose some of that comes from generational differences and I will accept that. But the rest of it comes from her last year with us. She was frequently rather disagreeable and I took a lot of heat from her because of it. I tried to be patient and understanding, but I wasn’t always, and I probably could have been better. But there were times when the barbs hurt, and I was not always the nicest about it. I guess the thought that I could have been more understanding kind of eats at me, although Corey tells me that I am being WAY too hard on myself.
I have also realized that there are some things that I just have to let go of. People say that you have to learn to forgive those who wronged you in order to get past it. I don’t believe that. I think there are some things that you just can’t forgive. But carrying it with you forever punishes you not the person who wronged you. So, while there are things that I just can’t forgive, I do have to find a way to accept them and live with them and move on. I think I have finally done just that and it is like a weight off of me.