1.27.2010 | Wednesday

Lost in life,…

category: Pondering Life, Wild Woman
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1 Comment

reading time: 2 minutes

I have barely blogged at all this month, but it certainly isn’t for lack of trying.  Every time I sit down and open up my admin panel to write, my mind either goes blank or I can’t think of anything to write that is fit for public consumption.  I miss writing because my blog is my best “therapeutic” outlet, but I just can’t seem to get the words from my mind to the keyboard.  There is just so much going on in my head and in my life right now and sometimes I feel so lost that it’s hard to remember which way is up.  Sorting it all out has become almost an obsession, a necessary one if I am going to remain even remotely sane.  It seems like every time I make two steps forward, something happens to make me take four steps back.  All I want is to get out of this hole I feel like I am in, and it just doesn’t help to constantly feel like I am being pushed back.  I don’t even know what to do about it anymore and I am so emotionally exhausted that it is ridiculous.  I have never been a sad person in general, but I can’t count the number of times a day when I just want to curl up and bawl.  That is just not me, and I hate it.  Something has to change, if not with the situation then with me.  Somehow I have to find a little peace and happiness or I am going to lose my mind.  It is like a vicious circle, though.  I know I need to get in touch with my spirituality again, and really feel it again.  I feel like I have lost any connection I once had to my spirituality and I know that doesn’t help that lost feeling I carry with me.  But I am so blah and disheartened by everything else going on in my life that I can’t find the energy or the desire to put the work necessary into it.  Sometimes I really hate being solitary in my beliefs, because it makes finding my way that much harder.

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