5.27.2010 | Thursday

Thoroughly miserable,…

category: Bitches & Moans, Mama Drama
tag(s): ,

reading time: 4 minutes

I miss blogging every day like I  used to, but it just doesn’t happen.  It is certainly not for lack of trying because I open the damn thing every day with every intention of blogging.  I just can’t come with a single thing to blog about that is even remotely interesting.  My life bores even me.  It is always the same routine, the same drama, and the sameness is killing me.  I am thoroughly miserable and I don’t know what the hell to do about it.  Situations and life pretty much have me stuck where I am and there is no way around that.  But sometimes it is the little things that can make a world of difference, and yet no one in this house seems to care enough to even try.  The constant crap is so draining that there are days when I wake up hating life before anyone else is even awake.  I HATE feeling like that, but I am not everyone’s doormat, despite what they may think.  But do they expect me to always be Miss Merry Sunshine when they talk to me like I am crap?  But how can I expect the kids to be respectful when they hear the way their father speaks to me?  It’s like everyone around him has to be perfect all the time, perfect by his definition which is by and large unattainable and pretty much unrealistic.  Last night was a perfect example.  Scott had spilled some water on the floor and Corey told him to dry it up.  Fine.  He grabbed a kitchen towel and did it, and started to put the dirty towel back on the fridge.  Well, Corey snapped his head off over it, and the kid totally didn’t deserve it.  Okay, gross, but everyone has a bonehead moment, right?  Goddess knows I do, and so does Corey.  Pick your battles.  It wasn’t like the kid was being bad; he made a friggin’ mistake in a distracted moment.  Let it go.  A little while later, Corey came out of the hallway yelling at Scott for leaving a pile of soaking wet laundry on top of the dryer instead of putting it into the empty washer or the laundry basket.  Doesn’t give the kid a chance to speak, doesn’t ask why, just jumps all over him.  Well, the pile of soaking wet clothes (thanks to a water war outside!) was on top of the dryer because I told the kid to put them there.  I told Corey that, and he pops out with “I didn’t think you would tell him to do that”, in the snotties, most condescending voice possible.  Like I was an idiot who wasn’t smart enough to do things right.  He was all pissed off because they had dripped on the floor.  Whatever.  It’s water, and since when does he clean up shit around here, anyway?!  Besides, it would have been nice if he asked why I had told him to do that if it was such a big issue for him, rather than get snotty about it.  And there was a reason.  I didn’t want Scott to put them in the laundry basket because I didn’t want the other clothes to get wet and sit all night like that and get mildewy, which I certainly don’t need more of around here.  Our laundry baskets are mesh-sided fabric bags that hand on a rack in the hall.  It isn’t all that well ventihilated there, plus, being fabric, it would have not only soaked the other clothes and the basket and dripped onto the new rug.  And he couldn’t put them in the washer because there had been stuff in the washer waiting to go in the dryer.  So Scott did exactly what I had told him to do.

We are not his soldiers, and I am certainly not a child, so I am pretty damn tired of being talked to like I am.  The moods and the impatience and the complete inability to take responsibility for how he behaves is ridiculous.  I can’t win, and neither can anyone else around him.  Pretty much every time I bring up his ridiculously snotty tone of voice, he refuses to even consider that perhaps he is being even unintentionaly snotty.  Instead, it is blamed on me, my stress, whatever.  Well, here’s a news flash.  I’m stressed,… BECAUSE OF HOW I AM BEING TREATED IN THIS FAMILY!!  And not everything is my fault simply because I am a girl and because I am stressed.  Some of it could be just because you are being a moody jackass, because, Goddess knows, you aren’t known for that.  <insert massive sarcasm here>  I mean, when he is in a decent mood, even HE jokes about his bitchiness and impatience.  So is it really outside of the realm of possibility that he could just be being a dick to me?

You know, I do EVERYTHING for this family; 100% of the responsibility for making sure everyone has what they need and for doing everything that needs to be done for the functioning of this family is on me.  I don’t work outside of them home, but I also don’t get paid and I don’t get days off.  I am everyone’s bitch.  At the drop of a hat, I am there to do whatever someone needs.  So I guess I don’t feel like it is too much to ask to be treated like a real live human being by my husband AND my kids.

Frankly, I am at my wit’s end.  I have been fighting this battle for too long, and I am getting to the point where I feel nothing but anger and resentment sometimes.  I think it is pretty clear that I just don’t really matter much to him, not really.  I have made it pretty damn clear how I feel about things, and what I need to change.  There ARE two people in this marriage, so it really shouldn’t be all about him and nothing about me.  100% of my life revolves around him and the kids, so I think I deserve something.  And the fact that I am miserable doesn’t seem to matter?  I guess that is pretty telling, huh?

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6 responses to “Thoroughly miserable,…

  1. Oh Kimmypoo!! I don’t know how to comfort you, with what you say, all I can say is I totally hear your pain, and I so understand it.. When my 18 year relationship came crashing down I screamed why me but now I think thank you god for saving me.. My relationship was like that very controlling and stuff.. I lost myself in my kids and now I don’t know who I am but I know I am a lot happier…

    I caan’t say this or that, what works for one may not for another.. All I can do is lend you a shoulder and some tissues maybe a drinkypoo..

    I hope that you fathom out your drama’s its not good to live life that way, whats the point!! xxx

  2. Thanks, Paula. It isn’t even so much about control, because that really isn’t even an issue. I guess it is more about being dismissive and distespectful, kwim?!

  3. Hi Kim! Well I have said this before, but so often your life sounds like mine. I am beginning to wonder if the husband part is because they were/are in the military? My husband was and served in the Gulf War. It sounds like your hubby and mine have a lot in common in the way they treat us. Dismissive and disrespectful is so what happens here! Same with the kids. I ended up going to counseling and am treated for depression now. I know you can’t change someone – they have to want to change, so I am just trying to focus on myself and take care of the kids. If you ever need to talk/bitch, you know where to find me. I know it’s hard and I hope that it gets better. Sending you a big hug and thinking of you!!!!

  4. Yeah, but I was in the Army, too, for a long time from 1988 on. So, that’s a hard one for me to accept. And his deployments don’t take him near the stuff you normally think of. If it was just him, I could deal, but the kids learn it. There are 5 of them, and only one of me. There isn’t enough of me leftover for ME!

  5. I’m so sorry that things are so frustrating for you. You already know this, but the military lifestyle takes a terrible toll on family psychology. There are multiple sets of constant conflicting pressures going on in his psyche (AND he’s a man, maybe not even a very well trained man, which implies an inherent level of jerkness even at the best of times) and because you are the wife , you get the brunt of it. It sucks.

    I honestly do not know how ANY military marriage survives without serious counseling and huge support form either extended family and/or a committed religious community.

    Plus, Our culture at large does NOTHING to prepare men for marriage. All of our music, film, TV, etc . . . is about catching the woman and nothing teaches men what to do after they have her. The answer is to keep treating her in such a way that she WANTS to STAY. A man should never assume that cultural pressures, social norms and a woman’s dedication to marriage and family will keep her trapped with him for the long haul.

    I wish there was something I could do to help. Bry has a small library of marriage counseling and reality therapy books from his time as our Branch President and from his old behavior mod program at work. I could provide you with a reading list if you’re interested. However, I know that you could read all the self-help marriage books in the world and it wouldn’t do any good unless BOTH of you are ready to step up and make changes in the way interactions happen in your home.

    Good luck. (((hugs)))

  6. Hi Kiki. I know how you feel about not knowing what to write about. The truth is for me, I cannot write about a lot of things that go on in my life because of confidentiality of my students. It would make some really interesting reading the things that went on this year. Oy!!
    I am so sorry you are not respected in your home. That is not right. You are a wonderful person and deserve the best. ((HUGS))!!!


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