I am such a bad blogger. I used to make it a part of my daily routine, but I have definitely fallen away from that for a whole bunch of reasons. I guess part of it was just that I was so frustrated with my life that it felt like I was writing the same things day after day. I rarely get visitors anymore, especially with Facebook, so I guess I lost motivation, too. But blogging for me isn’t necessarily about the visitors so much as it is about the ability to vent for myself. It doesn’t help that I went back to school this fall, which has definitely added to the fray because I don’t seem to have two seconds to myself anymore.
I don’t believe in regret, but not finishing school has been as close to it as I have been. So I went back this fall, double majoring in English with a concentration in creative writing and in History with a concentration in medieval studies. I’m going full-time, 4 classes this semester, and I had no idea how much of a chunk of my life it was going to take. I study from the time the kids leave for school until bed time every night, and on weekends, too. I thought, before I started, that it would be much easier to maintain the work load since all the kids are in school. How wrong I was! I am always complaining about how the men of the house just don’t realize or give me credit for all I do as a SAHM. Well, I have realized that even I haven’t given myself credit. I think I took myself for granted. And that’s where I am having problems.
What the kids don’t get, despite repeated conversations before and since I started classes, is that I didn’t give anything up to go back to school. I was always busy as a SAHM before school, and now I have added probably another two times the work load. Add to it that Corey is deployed and it means that I need a little help sometimes. And it seems like that is a losing battle. I don’t expect much for them, because most days I can still do it all. But there are days when I just can’t. And on those days, I may need help folding laundry, or running the vacuum, or helping with dinner. And the biggest thing they could do is just pick up after themselves so I don’t have to. I just don’t think it is too much to ask that, if you have created a mess, you clean it up. That’s it.
I feel like there ought to be something I can say, some way I can make them understand. I feel like there has to be a better way to get some cooperation. But I am not finding it. It is all to easy to take a SAHM for granted. It has gotten to the point sometimes that I have seriously considered finishing this semester and not going back. But this is something I really want, and Goddess knows, I have devoted a good portion of my life to everyone else, my family especially. I deserve to do this. And if I quit, I might never go back and I would resent it, pure and simple. But I wonder if the cost is going to be my sanity.