I honestly don’t want to remember most of 2013. It was a year of sadness, betrayal, frustration, and heartbreak. There were moments of happiness, but they were so few and far between.
Just about a year ago, I found out that I was unexpectedly pregnant. And I was filled with fear. Abject terror. And that set off a flurry of betrayal, derision, and cruelty that I never expected from so many people that I had never thought would act that way. That made a hard time even more unbearably hard. It destroyed me.
In the midst of the fear and the hurt was a bright moment. Donovan’s graduation a year early from SUNY Albany. I couldn’t be there because of my baby issues, but we all gathered around the TV and watched it streaming live. That was a proud Mama Moment!
Then there was a moment of happiness when I found out I was pregnant with a girl. After four boys, this was exciting. 4 days later, I discovered I would never get to hold my little girl, something I still struggle with each and every day. And if I hadn’t already discovered humanity’s capacity for cruelty, I figured it out then. There were those that were, and still are, just plain mean. That has not helped the healing process.
Literally within days of losing her, I began having terrible pains. Soon we discovered that I had a gallbladder that went from zero to sixty in no time flat. Most people ease into it. Not me. For 2½ months, I had 4-5 attacks per week while waiting for Tricare to get in gear. I got my referral… a few days AFTER emergency surgery two days after my birthday.
September came and with it the day that my daughter should have been born. It was terrible that day. Christmas hasn’t been all that easy either. Nothing is. There are reminders everywhere.
I have learned a lot of lessons this year, many of which were not positive ones. I learned about cruelty and fear, heartache and sadness, betrayal and loss of trust. I have also learned about true friendship and the capacity of love to save a soul. Without Corey, I would have been lost.
We joke that the universe hates me, and sometimes I truly feel that way. But I am determined to stay strong and stay above it, no matter what else is thrown at me or who else tries to take me down. I survive. Always.
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