There is so much going on right now that I have no idea which direction is up from moment to moment. You would think I would be used to that, but this time it is different. This time things are happening from all different directions, situations becoming more twisted and more complicated every day. There is a straight up emotional roller coaster going on in my head and my heart and there doesn’t seem to be an off button.
The biggest part of it all, even though it does directly affect me, is not my story to tell. It’s a two-part story, the two parts not technically related. But they bring up different issues and emotions and feelings and they are constantly colliding and making a massive mess of things. Most of the time, I feel like I am getting conflicting versions or half truths, maybe straight up lies It seems like there are missing pieces or pieces that don’t make sense to me. There are things that seem to be going on underneath the surface, things that I should know, but don’t. Or things that I am getting dragged into that either don’t exist or that I shouldn’t have any part of.
I don’t know what to believe. I don’t know who to believe. I don’t know who to trust. And I sure as hell don’t know how to feel.
It is so hard sometimes, the not knowing how to feel. To feel so many conflicting emotions about the same thing, the same person. To have doubts about people you want to be able to trust. To know that things aren’t as they seemed. It is one thing to know that there are things going on. It;s another to have the rug swept out from under you.
I have big issues with trust already and this is not doing anything to make that any better. I feel myself closing in again, gathering the few I do trust in and shutting the others out. I don’t know that that is healthy, but I feel like it is necessary. I don’t know what else to do. I would love to be able to confront the people I need to, but that just isn’t a possibility given some of the things going on.
This is a part of my own story, but still not mine to tell. And that is hard because there are times when I just need to
scream talk about it and I really can’t. It’s bottled up and too often my brother and my hubs are the only ones around to hear it. It’s not fair to either one of them for different reasons.
I feel like I am walking on edge these days, with this and with everything else.