thursday 13: notes on my current state of affairs

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And so the healing continues, and what a convoluted journey it is. Sometimes it’s an exercise in patience, other times it’s one in just keeping my head up. It’s… interesting.

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1. the emotional roller coaster

I did not expect this at all. But holy hell… the emotions. Apparently, it’s an entirely normal part of the aftermath, but I would never have imagined the intensity. The waves of gratitude that I’m still here… that makes sense to me. But the deep, intense sadness that sometimes hits? What the actual eff? That makes less sense to me. So that’s fun.

2. my body rocks

I don’t mean that I’ve suddenly developed a model-worthy body. I had a thrombectomy and open-heart surgery. Not a miracle. But I’m constantly surprised how how she rolls with the punches and keeps on truckin’. She’s a Weeble, baby. She weebles, she wobbles, but she doesn’t fall down. (If you don’t get the reference, see the 1970s-era ad below!) I had a post-cardiac surgery appointment on Monday, after x-rays and blood work. The x-rays came back perfect, as did the blood work. I’m killing it, as far as that and my vitals are concerned.

3. Loki, the amazing shih tzu nurse

My boy started acting weird around me on Sunday, paws on my lap as he sniffed my chest. Hours laying next to me, staring. Turns out his sniffer was on point. I have an infection in my incision. Which means a round of antibiotics, deep cleaning twice daily with new stuff, and a binder to keep the girls pressed firmly together, lessening the pull on the incision.

4. the pain, the nightmare, the utter horror

That was my Monday appointment. It was a post-op cardiac appointment, but one focused mostly on my incision. Was I scared going in? Abso-friggin’-lutely. Pain sucks. But it was so much worse than I anticipated. Which is saying something, because I am very good at imagining the worst. But nothing prepared me for the level of horror I experienced. They had to debride my incision, about a third of it, thanks to the infection. Let me just tell you… that is hell on earth. The pain was indescribable. Then they snipped several of the sutures within the incision. Also hell on earth. Then they finished with removing the giant sutures from the chest tube locations. All in all, a fucking nightmare of an appointment. At the time of writing this, it’s Wednesday, and I’m still feeling the pain.

5. Mrs. Brightside

That would be a lovely woman named Ann, whom I don’t know. She works with my hubby, and she backed a batch of delicious oatmeal cookies and sent them to me through him with a lovely card. It made my day, and I fully cried. It was so sweet.

6. the tolerance of pain

I’ve always had a high tolerance of pain. It takes a lot for it to really get to me. Yesterday afternoon found me in tears, sobbing (in so much as one can sob when one’s chest is in the state mine is), from the pain of it all. That’s a measure of just how bad the pain was. An enjoyable experience.

7. Husband of the Year

More than a decade ago, he had some surgery that made me his caregiver for a couple months. I did wound care multiple times a day, helped him bathe and dress. It was hard on me, because I have a deathly fear of causing pain for someone I love. He, however, was hopped up on painkillers and never felt a thing. Since then, we’ve joked that he owes me caregiving. Well, now he’s making good on that debt, and then some. The poor man has to help me bathe, do the wound care, all while I’m crying and shrinking inside myself from the pain. I can see how much it hurts him to hurt me, and I feel so bad. But he’s so patient, so kind, so sweet. He’s the man, the myth, and the legend.

8. Man Children of the Year

My sons… they are amazing. Man Children #2 and #4 take alternate days of waking up early to be there for me, refusing to take my “don’t worry about it” as an answer. Without complaint, without anything but pure love and care and compassion. Man Child #3 leaves too early for his job, so he helps in the evening and on weekends. And on Monday, he came home with a big gift bag full of cute things to cheer me up. A cute little Sanrio Kuromi in pink and lavender, wearing a hoodie. A tiny Squishmallow pumpkin, some cute Hello Kitty things, a Sanrio notebook, some book-related things, some face masks (the skin care kind), and a lovely dark choco/raspberry fancy candy bar. It was so thoughtful!

9. a return to coffee

Sort of. I’m allowed one cup of coffee a day, and all the decaf I want. To that end, Corey bought a second coffee maker for my decaf. My first cup of decaf… I almost gagged. My second wasn’t much better. I thought it was because it was decaf. But then I had a cup of the regular stuff, and it was no better. Which horrified me, because I love my bean juice. It seemed that drinking nothing but water since the day I went in the hospital made me lose my taste for coffee. An awful situation. But I stuck with it, and I’m beyond delighted my love is indeed requited once again. And the decaf is just fine.

10. Wally World for the win

Okay, I know it’s not particularly bougie, but WalMart is helping my skin. My skin is so effed up, partly because of the sheer number of bandages (and my skin’s sensitivity to adhesive) and partly because of all the nerve pain from being sliced open. Everything hurts on my chest. But my hubby found me some nightgowns at Wally World that are made with the softest brushed jersey known to man, complete with a button-up neckline that I can unbutton and pull away to the sides. A lifesaver!

11. I don’t have to cook.

I’ll take that as a win. I gotta take what I can get at this point. So there we are.

12. I feel like a Yeti.

This might be too personal, but if you’ve gotten this far… I can’t shave. And how I want to. My legs are going to rival my sons’ by the time I can manage blade to skin. I. HATE. IT.

13. a playlist

My painkiller-numbed mind sometimes goes on tangents. The result of one… a playlist of themed music. Here’s a few on that playlist.