Sometimes, being the understanding Army wife/vet really bites. I have barely heard from Corey since he left. I got a couple of quick phone calls when he was in Germany in transit, another quick one when he first got to Bagram, and a REALLY quick one last week. That’s it. And most of the time, I am totally okay with that. After all, I have been there and done that and know how it is. But I also know that right now, supposedly they are sitting around doing a whole lot of nothing while waiting for the weather to clear enough to fly to their FOB. Not only that, but I know that his soldiers seem to be able to be online with their spouses for hours in a day, you gotta kinda wonder what the deal is with my own spouse. I keep trying to not be hurt and to tell myself that he is actually busy and taking up the slack so the junior soldiers can call/IM home. But too many times, he has taken advantage of the fact that I am understanding and undemanding, and has forgotten that I have feelings, stresses, and worries, despite my knowing how it is. I have to be honest, it hurts, since, right or wrong, it seems like he doesn’t care enough to call. I am really hoping that it is just that he is busy, but it is hard to believe that when I know the circumstances.
It is so frustrating sometimes, the whole deployment thing and sticking up for yourself. You always have that “what if something happens” thought in the back of your head, so you don’t want to rock the boat and leave things on a bad note. But neither do you want to be a doormat and not have him know how you feel. So what do you do? It is almost like you feel like you aren’t allowed to be mad, but you are, and if you don’t tell them, that doesn’t help either, because you frequently end up resenting them. And it is frustrating in other ways, too. You can’t just text or call and work it out, so it sticks with you and you stress over it and it makes you feel worse and worse. I’m pissed off and hurt, and I can’t even find out if it is legitimate, or just the way it is. And that sucks. So I sit here, feeling alone and like hell and wanting to cry and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.
I have had a lot harder time with this deployment and his leaving than I ever have before. I think part of it is the up and down of this past year, the death of my grandma and that of my friend, and all the other assorted drama that went on. Add to that the back and forth of getting him actually deployed, which was a lot harder than you would think. I guess I feel overwhelmed.
Trying to keep it all together is just not easy. I have 4 kids that I have to be strong for, so who am I going to cry to?!