12.18.2009 | Friday

The blahs,…

category: Bitches & Moans, Mama Drama

reading time: 2 minutes

I have barely blogged at all this month but I have had no motivation whatsoever to do it.  I haven’t had anything positive to say and I have enough negativity in my head without having to release it on the world!!  Corey will be home in less than a week and I am SO ready for that.  But I just can’t get into the whole Christmas thing.  I do what I need to but I feel like I am just going through the motions.  All I ever really want to do is cry.  The last 20 months have really sucked for me and sometimes I just feel like I am drowning.  There is only so much one person can take and I guess I kinda feel like I am at my breaking point.

I have lost too many people that I have cared about recently and I don’t know how to get over it, or even if I can.  I know it doesn’t help that I don’t even get a chance to try before something else happens to add right to it.  I am so completely overwhelmed. 

I have never been one to hold a grudge against anyone, no matter what they have done to me.  I have always believed that they serve no purpose other than to bring more negativity to your life.  The person who wrongs you more than likely never cared that they hurt you and probably haven’t given it a thought since.  So it only brings more pain to the person wronged in the first place, almost punishing them over and over again.  I don’t know if it is because I am already overwhelmed, but I just can’t get past my hurt and distrust of something that happened months ago.  And I know perfectly well that the person involved couldn’t care less and never really did.  But I have never felt so personally betrayed on so many levels than I still do.  I guess it is because of the fact that it was so out of nowhere and completely irrational and uncalled for.  But it has done nothing but bring me stress and pain and I need to find a way to let go.

Corey keeps reassuring me that things will be different with him, too, when he gets home, that he understands know what I have been trying to tell him for so long, that I feel taken advantage of and unappreciated and down right disrespected sometimes.  By him AND by the boys.  He says he sees it now in ways that he didn’t before.  But I have heard those words so many times before and even he says that he completely understands why I am hesitant to believe him.  And add to it the fact that two of his buddies are living here for the next 4 months or so, and that will just make it even easier for me to be forgotten and taken advantage of again.

I know he doesn’t really understand just how bad I feel, and that is mostly on me.  But there are some things you just can’t say when he is deployed halfway around the world.  Sometimes he has to see it to really get it.  I just hope he pays attention because I don’t think there is much left to me.

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