The Serenity Train derailed today, at least partially. When it crashed, it took with it trust and respect, an almost tangible loss of both. And when it crashed, it gave me anger and hurt, the kind that makes getting that train back on the tracks a true test of my desire for change. Which I want so badly. Which I need so badly. It sounds so simplistic… I want to live more positively. But sometimes it takes a true concentrated and purposeful effort to do that, Sometimes it just isn't that easy to let go of the hurt and the anger.
I have started and restarted this post probably a dozen times so far. It's hard to get out what I need to get out without revealing details that aren't all mine to reveal. If they were, I would let it all out. But let's just say that the ramifications of the situation could affect someone I love very much, and it would entirely be the fault of someone else I love, the one that let me down today. And the thing that truly chaps my ass is that the things needed to solve the situation are within the grasp of the person who needs to take those steps… if they bothered with any regularity. But, instead, it is empty promises and pure laziness and selfishness… time and time again.
Where's the line? That is the question I am asking myself right now, in all different ways.
♥ Where is the line between living positively and allowing yourself to become a doormat by not standing up for yourself? I know that standing up for yourself doesn't have to mean screaming and yelling, but there are times that that is the only way you seem to be heard. Anything less than that and it is assumed that you are over it and things go right to where they started. And that solves nothing. What I want to say and what I did say are two different things. Inside, I was raging. Outside I was trying to be more diplomatic and positive in my behavior. But I have come away from it feeling like I held back and let them get away with more than they deserve to. And now I am left feeling resentful, angy, and hurt. The very things I am trying to get away from.
♥ Where is the line between nagging and trusting someone who has repeatedly let you down to do something on their own? I have four children. That is enough. I don't want to mother, and shouldn't have to, a grown adult by telling them out to do and by having to nag them to get it down. I guess I feel that the motivation to do what needs to be done should be found in the very person for whom these steps need to be taken. I also feel that, as an adult, they should have the personal responsibility to do what they know needs to be done. I hate having to nag an adult, but it seems to be my only recourse. And that is draining.
I feel like I am in a no-win situation. Time and circumstances have taught me that the person with whom I have issues at the moment is not the most receptive human in the world in these situations. If I want to avoid being lashed out at and yelled at, I basically have to walk on eggshells. And, truthfully, the negative backlash of those arguments are big part of the reason that I feel like I am in the hole that I am trying so desperately to escape now. I have made progress and I don't want to go back. But if I tell it like I feel it, I risk that. If I don't, I am filled with growing resentment and anger. The thing is… I am blameless in this situation. It isn't anything I can do or help with. But if I pipe up and advocate for the one who can't do it for themselves (the other person I love), I am often the one that gets yelled at. If I don't stand up and advocate, then that person could be irrevocably hurt.
So what do I do? How do I do it? Do I not give a damn about that line and tell them to shove it when I get crap? Or do I trust, again, that "this time it will be different"? How do I stay true to myself, both in positivity and in not being a doormat?