I am not a fluffy bunny girl.
That is just who I am. I am not a pessimist, but I am a realist. I have had more than my fair share of hurts and betrayals and disappointments and they have helped to shape me into who I am today. I am okay with being a realist. But there is something to be said for being a happier fluffy bunny who feels more positive about herself and her life. It's the negativity that surrounds me (from inside and outside) that I want to let go of, along with whole bunches of anger and resentment over whole bunches of things.
It's been brewing for years, and not from any single source, situation, or person. It was everywhere in my life. I felt like I was surrounded by chaos, with no end in sight. A couple of months ago, I literally woke up one morning and realized just how miserable I was about it.
So I set out to change that.
The problem is… it isn't that easy. So I went searching for help and for answers. Through friends, through books, through the wonderful world wide web. I signed up for emails and newsletters. I downloaded ebooks and worksheets. I read blogs and articles. And I discovered some wonderful things and people, too. But I also discovered some stuff that made the anti-fluffy bunny that is me feel even worse about myself.
My search is about making a better and happier me. There is so much out there that touts itself as the kind of "happier fluffy bunny" stuff that I want. But an overwhelming amount of it is about how becoming a happier, fluffier you (in the bunny sense, not the "curvy girl" sense) makes your business boom and your creativity flow. My search isn't about improving my home business or becoming more creatively wonderful. It's about me. I feel inferior, reading this stuff. If I am not trying to improve my business, it feels like I am being told I am not trying hard enough, even though that isn't my goal or my interest. My creativity isn't an issue, but if I am not actively seeking to make it better, somehow I am not good enough. It's all about "happy blogging" and "happy social networking" and making every post count, full of "CONTENT". It's about being "real" and building your business/creativity. And I don't think "happy" everything is real. Real is the ups and the downs of life. It is the good times and the bad. So now I apparently don't blog well enough either.
I realized something… finally.
Wait for it… I am just fine, following my path as I am. It is okay to feel… to feel happy, to feel sad, to feel angry. It's okay to not "happy blog". It's okay to be a sparsely furred bunny, as opposed to a fluffy one. I am tired of being told that I am not feeling what I should, writing what I should, doing what I should. The fact is that we are all different. Different things work for different people. Sometimes we go forward, sometimes we go back. That doesn't make us less enlightened; it makes us human.