1.11.2013 | Friday

Why have I been so quiet?

category: WTH?!
1 Comment

reading time: 3 minutes

For days, I have wanted to blog.  I have opened it up almost daily and I have written.  And pretty much of it has been unfit for public consumption.  So I have deleted it, stared at it, and eventually given it up.  But the truth is, my blog has always been my therapy and sometimes it is my only outlet when things get rough.  Lately, it hasn’t even been that.  Unfortunately, a good portion of my issues lately have been with people.  Some of it is with people in general, but a lot of it is with specific people, people that could see/read my words.  And while I typically use no names when I blog, sometimes the details of the situation and totally identifying in and of itself.  Yes, I still could have blogged my angst out, but 99% of the time I would have then had to hide my posts from the public.  That’s all well and good but there is some part of me is sick of having to hold back and hiding my posts seems sort to me to be more of the same thing.  It’s still bottling it up and not letting it go.

Lately, I have essentially living in a cave of my own making, with a ban on much of social media outside of the occasional post, playing games, and doing the book blog thing.  I am ridiculously tired of the hate and fear mongering, the judgments, and the sheer amount of assorted BS that seems to be running uncontrollably rampant these days.  So much of it seems so petty, with no real goal other than to either hurt others or to make oneself feel superior.  Neither of those goals are good justifications for the slinging of crap. It drives me nuts and I have, and always have had, a major difficulty with keeping my mouth shut when I see the BS.  Even now, writing this blog, there is so much I want to say, so much I want to call out, but I’m not, once again holding back.

My patience with it is pretty much nonexistent and what is left is dwindling at an alarming rate.  It’s changing me and I know it.  And I don’t altogether like it.  I like to think that I have never been one to take a lot of crap from people, but I am realizing that that really isn’t true, and hasn’t been for a long time.  At least in some areas of my life.  The sad truth is that I have taken well more than my fair share of BS from people.  Why?  Why I have I allowed that to happen?  The last several years have really worn me down and somewhere along the line I truly lost myself.  Sad, but totally true.  It is made avoiding confrontation a habit, one that has filled me with all kinds of resentment and anger.  I don’t like that.  Sometimes I have held back out of fear, fear of losing people in my life.  Sometimes, more often, it is because I just haven’t need the added stress of dealing with fallout from standing up to the crap.  It’s bad enough to be treated like crap, but the resulting BS you get for daring to stand up to it?  Sometimes it is worse than the initial crap itself.  It’s made me a doormat.  Again.

But the biggest change has been over the last few months, since I began my quest to eliminate the BS.  It has made me hyper aware of the negative BS, and has most definitely heightened my reaction to it.  Somehow, living more positively for myself has made BS stand out that much more.  It has also made me a hell of a lot more self-aware of how badly I have been treated by people, friends and family alike.  But that hyper awareness isn’t the biggest change.  It is what it has led to… a lot less patience for dealing with the BS and a whole lot less patience/compassion for people slinging the crap.  It used to be that I would usually try to avoid blogging obviously about people and situations in a specific way because I didn’t want to hurt them, despite the fact that they clearly didn’t care how they were treating me.  If I am being honest, that reason really isn’t my primary reason anymore.  Now it is just because I don’t feel like dealing with more of the BS that I would get by calling them out.  The fact is that I am not sure I really give a damn about their feelings anymore, not when my own are so easily dismissed.  I want to care, but I honestly just don’t.  I have been pushed to the edge too much lately to have the time or energy to care about people who really care about nothing more than themselves and how they feel about themselves.  I don’t need that in my life.  I don’t want or need the petty BS in my life any more.  I am NOT a doormat.  I do NOT exist to be used and dismissed.  End of story.

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One response to “Why have I been so quiet?

  1. Hells yes to not being a doormat! And I love reading your writings even when it’s just brain-spewage because I can usually relate on some level.
    I hear ya with the social media bs and negativity. On twitter and FB I utilize the ‘List’ feature. It is so helpful on FB, I put all of my heart-happy-making people on to one list and I stick to reading that feed pretty much all the time. It saves me the confrontational aspect of unfriending people. There’s also always the making of a covert social media profile that you use strictly for the awesome ones!
    Love your new tattoos and I hope that you have a fabulous day! xoxo


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