1.23.2013 | Wednesday

The suckiness of change

category: Pondering Life
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reading time: 3 minutes

I am undeniably fed up with people lately, disturbingly so.  Disturbing because it isn’t any one person or even any one issue that is getting to me.  It is starting to be an almost all-encompassing disgust for humanity in general, with a few notable exceptions.  It’s getting to the point that I, a normally relatively social person, wants nothing to do with most of the outside world because all it does is tick me off.  Every day, I open my blog to write, and nothing comes out but more and more frustration and anger.  This was NOT the goal of my journey.  I spend a good portion of my time wanting to scream, wanting to cry, or just being so frustrated with the BS that all I really want to do is open my mouth and let the verbal vomit flow.  Sometimes screaming would probably help, but living in housing on a military post?  Probably not a good plan.  The fallout from the verbal vomit would probably do nothing but increase my stress level, so that is out, too.  That leaves crying.  A lot of people say that giving in and having a good cry can help.  And maybe it can.  But I am afraid that if I start, I might never stop.  That’s the sad reality.

The way people conduct themselves continues to astonish me.  There is absolutely no thought to how their words or actions affect others, how they make others feel.  I find that to be so horribly selfish.  I used to believe that people are so consumed in their own lives that they just forgot to stop and think about the fact that other people also have lives, issues, and feelings.  I used to believe that the anonymity of the computer screen added to it, allowing people to say things that they would never say to someone’s face.  And sometimes, perhaps those things are true.  But more and more often, it is ever increasingly obvious that it goes far beyond those things.  It is just the standard way of being for most people.  And it is disgusting.  People seem to be utterly oblivious to what they are doing and it shocks me.  The judgments, the spreading of hate and fear, the ignorance.  The total lack of thought for anyone else, never once thinking outside themselves to realize that someone else might have things going on in their lives.  Take, take, take and no giving back in any way.

People just don’t care about other people.  I see it all around me and I have to wonder if it has always been this bad.  Or is it just more obvious now that I am trying so hard to change things for myself?  I honestly don’t know the answer to that question.  My friend Dominee wrote a post recently on her blog about just this kind of thing.  Why does everything seem to suck even more when you are trying to change things for the better?  She suggests that it is because of a sort of “detox for the soul”.  I think that is true, although for me it is a little different.  I have always been a fairly positive person, more of a “glass half full” than a “glass half empty” kind of girl.  I always saw (or told myself that I did) the best in people, and excused and justified just about everything that they did.  Even when it was directed towards me.  In other words, I had no boundaries for others to respect and allowed myself to be a doormat.  There is no nice way to say it.  That is what I have been, a good portion of my life for a whole lot of different reasons.  So for me, the changes have been about eliminating the negative people and situations around me that bring me down.  It has been about letting go of the negative BS and not holding on to it when it comes my way.   It has been about creating boundaries and not letting people cross them.  And it has been nothing but a struggle for me.

I want to be appreciated for who I am, not for what I can do for you.  I want to be acknowledged, respected, and listened to, even when it is about something you don’t want to hear or don’t agree with.  I want to matter.  Everyone always said that you have to make yourself happy and take care of yourself first.  I think that is true to an extent.  But the fact remains that how you are treated by others affects that feeling for yourself.  It affects how you feel about yourself, how you treat yourself, how you value yourself.  Trying to build yourself up while those around you continually knock you down is exhausting.  Demanding you be treated better is degrading.  It chaps my ass every time I have to do that.  I shouldn’t have to beg to be treated well and it tears me down a little every time I have to do that.

I wish there was a magic wand I could wave that would make this anger go away.  I am hoping that this, too, shall pass.

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