1.12.2023 | Thursday

thursday 13: weird crimes committed in 2022

category: Memetastic
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reading time: 4 minutes
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Some of these left me scratching my head in confusion!

1. buying babies at Walmart

story: NBC News

Last January, Rebecca Taylor was arrested and charged with a third-degree felony after trying to buy another woman’s child. Initially, she offered $250K, later raising it to $500K. The mother thought Taylor was joking but quickly realized she wasn’t. There was another woman with Taylor who asked the child’s name, which wasn’t given. Yet moments later both women somehow knew his name and began calling him by it. The mother waited for the two women left the Walmart before finally leaving herself. The Taylor accosted her in the parking lot and screamed at the her, determined to take the child. Despite it all being on camera and witnessed, Taylor tried to deny it, saying she’d simply been there to buy pee pads for her pomeranian. Okkkaaayyy…

2. hiding in… a teddy bear

story: Manchester Evening News

In May of last year, Joshua Dobson was wanted by police for stealing a car and the failure to pay for gas, among other things. In August, the police followed a lead that took them to a residence. While there, police noticed a teddy bear that was apparently breathing. They discovered their runner stuffed inside. I feel like this is an opportunity lost… clearly had had Cirque de Soleil contortionist skills.

3. the marital high

story: Today

Last April, a wedding reception went wrong when many of the guest fell ill, some even requiring hospitalization. The end result? Felony charges levied against the bride, Danya Svoboda, and the hired caterer, Joycelyn Bryant. Why? Because the two conspired to lace the food with weed. And that is a felony violation of an anti-tampering law concerning the nonconsensual delivery of cannabis, as well as a slew of misdemeanor charges.

4. manners, manners

story: NBC Connecticut

Last July, 25yo Joshua Murray decided to teach two women a lesson in manners. While at the local Family Dollar store, Murray held open a door for two women. When they didn’t thank him, he pulled a gun on them and others within the store. He was arrested, although he tried to resist. Adding to it all, he didn’t have a permit for the weapon. Maybe just let it go next time.

5. that’s just bull

story: AP

Bull semen, that is. Yes, you read that right. According to police, approximately 60 containers of bull sperm were stolen from a farm in Olfen, Germany in the beginning of last December. No one is quite sure how the heist occured, as the semen (which is apparently a pricy commodity) needs to be kept supercooled with liquid nitrogen in order to remain viable, at -320°F or -196°C.

6. furry friends not allowed

story: AP

In September, Erin Christensen brought a wild raccoon into a bar with her. She and her family found the raccoon on the side of the road and decided to nurse it back to health. She didn’t want to leave it alone, so she brought it with her, despite health violations. However, keeping wild animals as pets is illegal, because of the rabies and other diseases they can carry. She settled with misdemeanor convictions. Oh, my.

7. good news

story: AP

South Korea has lifted its ban on the import of full-bodied sex dolls! This comes after much debate over the role of government in policing private lives. Technically, there were no laws banning them specifically in the first place, but customs seized them under a clause in the law that allowed for the seizure of any goods that “harm the country’s beautiful traditions and public moral.” The courts agreed that private use within one’s homes doesn’t affect public moral. Good to know.

8. merry grinchmas

In December, a homeowner’s holiday display came under fire when neighbors called the police to report a man standing in a yard, naked but for a short robe. And he had a hose between his legs. Turns out it was a mannequin dressed as Cousin Eddie from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.

9. false alarm

story: CBS News

In December, a plane made an emergency landing in Barcelona for a woman who went into labor. Upon landing, the woman was evacuated from the plane, and while that was happening, 27 passengers also exited the aircraft without authorization. 13 of them were caught, the others escaped. As it turns out, the woman wasn’t in labor at all, although she was pregnant. She was charged with public disorder. Of those caught, 5 agreed to get back on and continue on, and the other 8 were deported. No real reason for the escape was given.

10. chicken with a side of pistol

story: NBC News

In November, TSA in Florida discovered a handgun stuffed inside a raw chicken that was in someone’s luggage. They had some fun with it, posting pics on Instagram with punny captions, like “We hate to beak it to you here, but stuffing a firearm in your holiday bird for travel is just a baste of time.” Or that the incident was a “personal fowl.” Alrighty, then.

11. baby wipes… or cocaine

story: NBC News

In August, US Customs discovered that a shipment of baby wipes was much more than it seemed… $11.8 million worth of cocaine. Roughly 1533 pounds of cocaine were found tucked into the shipment, in almost 2000 packages. Wow.

12. for the love of mcmuffins

story: CNN

It doesn’t pay to slip some McMuffins into your luggage. A person traveling from Bali to Australia was fined $1874 USD after two McMuffins and a croissant were found in their luggage. This happened just two days after Australia levied new biosecurity rules after an outbreak of Foot and Mouth disease in Indonesia. The fines were more than twice the cost of the passenger’s flight.

13. the irony is real

story: NBC News

Last September, Doug Ramsey was arrested after reportedly biting a man’s nose in a parking garage in Arkansas. His charges included terroistic threatening and third-degree battery. Ramsey was trying to leave the structure when another cut him off. Ramsey took offense to this and got out to punch through the back windshield of the other vehicle. When that driver got out, Ramsey began punching him, eventually biting his nose and tearing flesh from the tip, threatening to kill him. Other occupants of the two vehicles tried to separate them. The irony? The flesh biter was also the COO of Beyond Meat, a plant-based meat alternative producer.

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