10.2.2012 | Tuesday

Giving in & Giving up

category: Pondering Life
1 Comment

reading time: 2 minutes

This whole positive thing I was going for?  I am pretty much done with it.  It is such an uphill battle that I feel like, instead of getting anywhere uphill, I am getting pushed farther and farther downhill.  This whole so-called "journey" I have been has made me all too aware of negative BS, so much so that it makes it all the more painful to be in this spot now.  Before, I was more than a little cynical and a whole lot desensitized.  This isn't to say I didn't feel; I did.  But it does mean I was used to it and moderately resigned to it.  I was at that "bitch about it, but it isn't really worth the fight" stage.  Then I got a hair up my butt, and decided that I needed more out of life.  So I set out to change things.  But you know what that did?  It lifted me up just so I could fall farther.  There's something to be said for being a bit closed off, resigned, even if it means being resigned to BS.  You don't feel much, you don't hurt as much.

What is it about me that seems to invite people to talk to me like I am nothing?  What is it about me that makes people think that that can treat me like I am nothing?  What is it about me that is so easy to dismiss?  The fact that I have had to fight this hard, for this long, for something different and I still ask these questions?  That should probably tell me something.  Fighting for something that is never going to happen is draining and pointless.  At some point, you ust have to get your head out of your butt and accept that this is it.  Otherwise all you do is spend all of your days further degrading yourself, trying to fight for something that apparentlly no one feels you are worth.  

I came to a major realization recently, one that I didn't really want to accept.  I wrote about it yesterday, the last paragraph.  But when I look back at my life, it is a pattern that has held true with just about everyone, in very kind of relationship.  I asked questions yesterday and didn't have answers.  I do today.  How do you work with that, reconcile yourself with that?  You just stop fighting it.  You just stop wanting what you can't get.  It's as simple as that.  How do you make things better when this is the way it is?  The intent behind this question, when I asked it, was misguided.  "Better" meant "happy and different".  But sometimes "better" means "stop fighting it" and forget pretending it will ever be any different.  

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One response to “Giving in & Giving up

  1. Hey there Kim,
    I just wanted to let you know that I hear what you are saying and I understand. I went through the same thing when I started my journey, maybe not to the same extent, because I didn't have to live with negative people, but it was there and it felt overwhelming and insurmountable.
    When I started my journey, I was best friends with a married couple. We hung out on all of my days off together, we did everything together, talked every day and it had been that way for a good three years.
    She and I fought all of the time about everything and then I ended the friendship out of pure fear that I was going to try to physically kick her ass if I didn't. Then I got all zen-like and I was like, yeah, totally, I can make this freindship work if I try hard enough. So I tried, I was loving, caring, compassionate, and she berated me for it. She made me feel like absolute shit all the time. 
    At around this time, the hubby had full blown I'm-turning-30-midlife-crisis and he wanted to hang out with the "guys", he wanted to blow off his kids and responsibilities to stay with his man friends and get drunk whenever he wanted. He turned into someone that I didn't know, and I turned into someone that represented a life that he hated, so he told me he didn't want me in his life anymore.
    I think we've talked about how I'm not close with my family, so it was basically the two people I loved most, who had become my family, telling me that they didn't want me. That was literally the worst year of my life. I didn't get to see their kids, that had become like my own. I had never felt so worthless, which was surprising because at that point, I had felt that way a lot through out my life. 
    Then something in me broke and I realized that it wasn't about them, it wasn't about anything that happened around me, it wasn't about the "outside". It was about me, what was happening inside of me, and my ability to control it. The only time I was happy was when I was alone, and with myself. Developing that base, as hard as it was, eventually flowed to the outside. 
    Anyway, I've been looking for an oppourtunity to share this video ((of me)) from that time, with extrememly crappy audio! :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysJaxHv24ls
    I hope things get better, and maybe this is the time to give in and give up. Nothing at all wrong with that! But then, maybe it's not. :p


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