Yesterday was one of those days that just basically sucked. Usually coffee will cure most anything, but it definately didn’t work yesterday. Maybe it was because there was no chocolate involved. I don’t know, but I definately could have done without the day. And why is it that once 1 buttheaded yard ape delightful child decides to be ornery, all of the children decide to be buttheaded yard apes ornery? It was a day of one thing right after another, and me boring myself saying the same things over and over again. Do they conspire to drive me insane, or does it just come naturally? I was so frustrated that I thought I was going to lose my mind, what little there is left to lose.
I did get to chat with Corey on Yahoo last night, which started out as the bright spot of my day, but, in keeping with the rest of the day, ended up feeling like a Kim-bashing. We got talking about the Donodrama that was my day and it just went downhill from there. It was a whole lot of “you shouldn’t do this”, “you shouldn’t do that” and I pretty much ended up completely feeling beaten down. In his defense, he said he wasn’t trying to criticize, but when you are giving your wife a laundry list of what she does wrong,… you are criticizing. He has a right to his own opinion and I respect that, but this wasn’t opinions, it was just judgements and it hurt. I think it especially hurt because he just is never here and he was judging me on things he doesn’t ever see. He is deployed or in the field or off playing GI Joe so much of the time, and even when he is here, he works so much, that his time home is limited. I just needed a shoulder and some support, not to be made to feel even more worthless. And whether he meant it to be that way or not, that is the way it came out. I ended up bawling my brains out, on web cam. Lovely. It’s always great to have these convos over IMs and web cams. And, of course, in the middle of it, he had to go. I totally understand that, and it wasn’t his fault, but it sucks because I have to be upset on Army time, too.
I gave up my Armycareer, something I LOVED, to stay home and take care of my family. With 4 kids, and the state of the world right now, it was better for us all if one parent was a civilian. I made the choice to get out and I stand by it. But I didn’t sign up for being treated like everyone’s maid and emotional punching bag. I just wish for one second they (Donovan & Corey) would really think about it. I am the go-to girl for everyone in this house. There are 5 of them, but only one of me. All of them are so focused on their own things that they tend to forget that there are other people also depending on me, that their things are not the only ones that I have to deal with. Never mind that I might have needs of my own. Add to that, they are 5 males, and I am the only female. And that gets old. I am so sick of hearing “it’s a guy thing” every time they are disgusting or rude or whatever. I DON’T CARE! When does it get to be a girl thing, then?! I mean, come on, that is just a lazy ass excuse to let stuff go. And Goddess forbid, I ever point any of these things out. The constant disgusting body noises? I get eyerolls and “it’s a guy thing”. Well, maybe it is a girl thing that I don’t want to hear and smell it ALL THE TIME! The constant picking up after them ALL? I get the “get over it, it’s no big deal” look and there it stays. How respectful. Roll your eyes, give me dirty looks when I ask for help. Yeah, I feel great. Yet I am the glue that holds this family together.
And today, Donovan will act like nothing happened. And if I talk to Corey, it will be the same. Because they figure that since a night has passed, the clock is reset and all is well. Well, all ISN’T well, and the clock ISN’T reset. And nobody cares enough to do anything about it. I hear all the nice words, but they mean nothing without actions to back them up. You know what would make a huge difference? Some simple acknowledgement and understanding of how miserable I feel. To know that they actually get it and have taken the time to think about it. And I won’t get it.