Reconnecting with the ex has been awkward, but hasn’t really been a bad thing. I am a big believer in not holding grudges or anger. I don’t necessarily think you have to get to the point of being best friends with someone that has wronged you, but carrying grudges and the anger is just draining and changes nothing about the situation. Don’t get me wrong; I definately had harbored some serious hurt and anger and I felt thoroughly betrayed for a lot of reasons. But during this time, my grandfather died and it brought a lot of things into better focus. I realized that life was short and you could lose those you loved in a heart beat. I also realized that I deserved more than what I was getting and that if he couldn’t remain faithful and honest, than I needed to move on and not accept less than what I deserved. So by the end of the divorce, the anger and hurt I had felt for the things that led us to divorce no longer mattered to my day to day life and I had come to terms with it. I thought that things were to the point where we could live our own lives but still both be good parents to our son. But things didn’t work out that way AT ALL.
I guess I can’t have my cake and eat it, too, but on some level, it still bothers me that there has been no real acknowledgement of the elephant in the room. That elephant being our son, the same one that he has made no effort to see since the child was just a couple months old and who is now approaching 13. I know he is going through some personal things right now and I understand that, especially since the phrase of what goes around, comes around is certainly true in the situation. I feel for him, because I know that kind of pain and betrayal first hand, and no one deserves to feel like that, no matter how they have lived their life. But I guess it just hurts my heart and soul as a mother to see my son not acknowledged in any way. The ex has a beautiful younger daughter, and, as far as he is concerned, she is his only child. It is like my son never even existed in his life or in his heart and that there are no regrets in how he handled being his parent. But my son is innocent in all of this and didn’t deserve to be forgotten. I realize that this only bothers me, since my son has never known his bio-father, but it’s the principle of the matter, I guess.
That being said, my ex really is a good guy at heart. He has made mistakes, sure. But I really do believe that he is a good person at heart. Maybe he hasn’t always handled things the way he should, but there are more evil people in the world by far. And I am glad that we are sort of becoming friends again. But when there are kids involved, I guess there are some things that are hard to let go of.