Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up and throw myself a complete screaming, hissy fit. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, throw things, and basically just lose my damn mind for a moment or two. I know it probably wouldn’t change a damn thing, but I bet it would feel REALLY good to just give in to the frustration, the anger, and the hurt for just that moment. But neighbors would hear, cops would be called, and I would end up spending time in a cell somewhere. And I really don’t think doing time would help matters much. But sometimes I really envy a little kid. They might get a time out, but they can give in, have a screaming fit, throw themselves down, pound their fists on the floor, and basically just let it out in a completely uncivilized, savage manner. Must be nice.
I feel like I am in a neverending cycle of poo lately. The constant battle of wits with the men of my house is beyond draining and sometimes feels downright degrading when I have to fight this hard and this often just to be treated like a human being. I have zero patience anymore for the BS, which leaves me pissed off and sad a whole hell of a lot of the time.
Tonight was one of those rare nights that it truly sucks to be an Army wife, especially one that is a vet in her own right. The convo started out okay, but when downhill fast. It was one of those that didn’t turn into an argument, but it would have had we had it while he was here. But he isn’t here; he is in a war zone. It isn’t the separation itself that was the problem tonight. I am used to that and accept it. It’s the fact that I feel like I have to temper my words because he is where he is, at war. I have this huge fear of ending a convo on a bad note and then, Goddess forbid, something happens to him. That only leads to a lifetime of regret over angry last words. But that fear carries over into everyday life because he is home so rarely. You just don’t want to spend what little time you have together in a bad way. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I feel like I spend my life fighting to be heard, to be respected, to be appreciated, not just by Corey, but my kids, my family, and even some of my friends. I feel like everyone needs me when they want something, but other than that, I might as well not even exist as a person. I can’t count the number of times that someone will come to me when they need something, and then shit all over me once they have gotten what they needed, treating me like I’m an idiot. Or yell at me because they either don’t understand something or because I just can’t help them. That just begs the question of why they are coming to me at all, if I am such a freakin’ dolt?! And they are always so concerned with what they want, what they need, how they feel. But they don’t ever stop to think about how they are treating me. And that just hurts.
I have heard the words, the promises, all of it so many times from the kids, from Corey, but it never changes. Corey always tells me that he is better than he was, and he is, to a point. But what he doesn’t see is that a lot of that is situational. It is easy to be better when you are only together for short periods of time. Since coming to Fort Drum, we are apart far more than we are together. So how much of it is true, and how much of that is just because we are apart so much? I know he loves me; I don’t doubt it for a second. But I have become such a non-entity to both him and the kids that I sometimes wonder if it will ever change.
They don’t ever stop to think about how they talk to me, how they treat me. I know damn well that Corey would never talk to one of his soldiers or superiors that way, but he doesn’t think twice about it at home with me. And Donovan can be just as bad, sometimes worse. He would never dare to talk to his friends, his teachers, his grandparents that way, but he has no problem doing it to me. The two of them have such a dismissive attitude with me. If they don’t understand or agree with what I am telling them, they will roll their eyes, cop an attitude, or just walk away. It never even occurs to them that I might be hurting or that they are making it worse with how they act and how they treat me. They just don’t get the concept of respecting the feelings and ideas of someone they love, even if they themselves don’t agree or understand it.
I just think it is ridiculously disrespectful and hurtful to treat someone you love like that. Because when someone you love is hurt, yelling at them for it, rolling your eyes at them, or turning your back on them and walking away,… all of that is just showing them that they aren’t worth your time or your love. And that is exactly how I feel.
I tried to talk to Corey about it, but I just don’t think he gets it. And, frankly, I don’t think he is even trying. I think he has it in his head that because he is over there, there isn’t anything he can do about it, so why even try? He always gives me the same thing, that he can’t do anything about it from a distance. Well, that excuse wears thin after years of hearing it. He is never here for more than a few months at time, so when exactly are things going to change? His advice was to tell me basically that I needed to change who I was as a person. He told me that I was a doormat, that I didn’t stand up for myself. All of which hurt like hell, and is complete bullshit. He is never here, so to judge me like that, I thought was pretty unfair. I have stood up for myself when the situation has called for it; I am hardly the type not to, and he certainly should know that by now. But it doesn’t change anything. I can stand up for myself with the people who treat me like this a thousand times, and if they don’t care about me and how I feel, it will never make a difference. Hell, how many times have I stood up to him and Donovan?! About a billion, for all the good it has done me. I get where he was trying to go with that bit of advice, but the way he said it just cut me to the quick, way more than I think he realized over the web cam and Yahoo! IM.
I am so thoroughly frustrated.
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