Another long night of virtually no sleep. I can’t seem to clear my head long enough to get any real sleep and it is definately taking its toll on me. I have way too much going on in my head about way too many things and nothing seems to help that.
I think the fact that I am frustrated with how I am treated in my own house is really just taking me over. It doesn’t matter how many times I sit them down and talk to them, how many times I yell at them, nothing changes. The worst offenders are the two who should know better, Donovan and Corey. But the youngers ones see them do it and learn from their big brother and their dad. It is so frustrating because the two of them are good people at heart but they are so self-absorbed that they can’t see what is going on right in front of them. I feel like I am slowly losing my mind. There are times when all I want to do is scream and vent and have a complete hysterical hissy fit. But I also know it wouldn’t do me any good whatsoever.
I have tried to talk to them so many times that I have lost count and I always hear the right words. But the words don’t matter anymore because I have heard them too many times. I just with they would see what is right in front of them. But even on the rare occasions that they do see, they don’t take the time to listen and really understand so they laugh me off or just plain dismiss me. That hurts so much.
Sometimes I feel like Corey has me over a barrel with all of this. He’s deployed so I feel like I can’t ever really talk about how angry or hurt I truly am because I am afraid that, instead of listening to what I am trying to tell him, he will just get overly defensive and just get angry. And you don’t ever want to end a conversation with angry words, just in case something happens because that would make those angry words the last you ever have with eachother.
I just wish he would wake the hell up and see what was in front of him, and for once, make an effort. I am so tired of the excuses. I know that he is deployed, but I also know damn well the most of the other soldiers call home a whole hell of a lot more often than he does. I don’t expect him to call home every day; I don’t even WANT him to call every day because that would make days he doesn’t that much more worrisome. But the last time we talked, I was bawling and thoroughly upset. And I haven’t heard from him since. Of course. Just once, it would be so nice to see that he even was trying. But I know him. And I know that the moment he walks away from that phone or that computer, our conversation ceases to matter. There is always something else that is more important. I know that he is deployed, but I also know that there is a lot more that he could be doing to make things right. He forgets that I am in a position with the FRG that puts me in constant contact with the other wives, so I know exactly how it is and how little effort he is making. He also forgets that I have been deployed a thousand times myself, so trying to bullshit me about stuff really isn’t in his best interests. And it isn’t any different when he is here. There is always something more important.