Sometimes there are moments when my heart is touched and my faith in humanity is at least temporarily restored. The best of those moments come from unexpected people at unexpected times, and I am sure that the person who gave me this moment doesn’t even realize how much it meant to me. But it is those little things that mean so me, something my own family just doesn’t seem to get or care about.
I get so little appreciation from my own family that when I get it from someone else, it truly touches me. I guess that is kind of a sad statement on my value within my family, huh?! And I have to admit, it made me resent my family a little. It almost highlights how badly I get treated in my own home, and that is just demoralizing. I have spent far too long fighting to be treated decently in my house and the fact that I am still fighting that battle hurts my heart in ways they just don’t understand. Part of me resents the hell out of the fact that I have to fight this hard to be treated like I am worth something, but the other part of me wonders if this is all I deserve.
But this isn’t just about my family. It’s about my whole life and the people I have been close to in my past, friends and lovers alike. I have a bad habit of accepting and forgiving people and situations that don’t necessarily deserve that acceptance and forgiveness. And it always costs me my own happiness and another piece of my spirit. I hate feeling like this and would like to believe that I deserve better, but when it happens over and over again? When you put your heart and soul into something and the situation never gets better? At what point do you finally accept that you really aren’t worth the effort it would apparently take to love you? I know full well that I can be too accepting and understanding, but it is a part of me and I don’t know how to change it without losing another piece of myself. I also don’t want to accept that maybe I am not worth the effort, but sometimes I think the only way I am going to find any peace is to give up and accept it.