Since my last post, I have pretty much dropped trying to put on a happy face when I don’t feel it. I don’t know if it is going to help much in the long run, but my change in attitude has definately been noticed by just about everyone in the house. I can’t count the number of times Corey or even one of the kids has asked me if I am okay, simply because I don’t smile as much and I am so quiet. But I don’t have enough in me anymore to pretend that everything is peachy. Sad though it may be, it is amazing how much energy is spent in pretending, energy I just don’t have anymore. And what is the point of pretending anyway? The only reason I did was because I usually feel like I have to walk on eggshells around Corey and even the kids sometimes just to avoid even more pain, conflict, and drama. All it really did was allow everyone around me to further trivialize and dismiss my feelings. But I deserve more than that and I guess I finally realized that if I don’t give myself more than that than why should they? So no more pretending, no more dismissing my feelings. I am still pretty miserable, but I feel so much stronger in some ways.