Since my last post, I have pretty much dropped trying to put on a happy face when I don’t feel it. I don’t know if it is going to help much in the long run, but my change in attitude has definately been noticed by just about everyone in the house. I can’t count the number of times Corey or even one of the kids has asked me if I am okay, simply because I don’t smile as much and I am so quiet. But I don’t have enough in me anymore to pretend that everything is peachy. Sad though it may be, it is amazing how much energy is spent in pretending, energy I just don’t have anymore. And what is the point of pretending anyway? The only reason I did was because I usually feel like I have to walk on eggshells around Corey and even the kids sometimes just to avoid even more pain, conflict, and drama. All it really did was allow everyone around me to further trivialize and dismiss my feelings. But I deserve more than that and I guess I finally realized that if I don’t give myself more than that than why should they? So no more pretending, no more dismissing my feelings. I am still pretty miserable, but I feel so much stronger in some ways.
5.31.2010 | Monday
Taking a stand,…
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Oh hun, I must of missed exactly what is going on. however it don’t matter if I know or not, I do know that you are going through some emotional pain right now, If there is anything I can do let me know. I think you are a beautiful person inside and out. *hugs* to you sweetie
oo I just read your last blog post, :( I am so sorry hun you are being treated like you are a piece of furniture, (that is how I describe it) just there when you need it, and when you don’t no reason to pay attention to it.
*hugs*
Hey, did I ever give you my stateside number? If you want it, I can get it to you and you can call me whenever you need/want to chat. ::hugs::
Good for you! I mean – it’s not good that you are in such a miserable rut – but it is good that you are changing your behavior in response to their behavior. Constantly pretending like you are happy and content with your treatment is only enabling their dismissive disrespect of your role as mother and wife. Good luck, don’t give in.