On Wednesday, I wrote a little bit about negativitiy and how I seem to be more and more aware of it, now that I am actively seeking to get away from it. But I have been noticing something else about it. It is annoying me more and more when someone is negative over seemingly ridiculous things. And that is sort of flying in the face of what I am trying to do with my life. I am trying to see and embrace the good, and let the bad roll off me. I am trying to concentrate on that which is positive and let the negative go without letting it poison me. But it is not coming easy to me. And it isn't because I myself am a generally a negative person because I am not. I have and have had my moments, sure, but so does most everyone. It is more because I am starting to see life differently and my priorities are changing.
And it has led me to stumbling blocks, particularly with people in my life. When talking about what to do about the negative people in your life, generally the first piece of advice given is to cut those people out of your life. I get the wisdom behind it, but that isn't always possible. Sometimes those negative people are your family and it usually isn't so easy to cut those people out. Sometimes the issues could be dealbreakers, but most of the time, they aren't. They are just draining. So what do you do about that? You can't force change on someone else, so how do you deal with those people and still stay true to yourself and to what you want and need? The fact is that not everyone is where I am, thought-wise. Not everyone believes as I do. Not everyone really understands what I am trying to do for myself. They may respect my right to it, but it is a bit on the "fluffy bunny" side for them. And that's okay. To each his own. But it doesn't change the fact that the negativitty is there and that it is draining.
I wish I had the answers because this is something I am dealing with, in and out of my family. Some of the negativity is pretty serious, some less so. But all of it is draining and that makes it all the easier to drag me down with it.
It's taken me all morning to come up with a list of things for the Friday JoyJam. Nothing spectacular has happened this week, but then I realized that what brings me the most joy are the little things. Little things like…
♥ Reading in bed at night while my husband is sleeping. It's quiet and no one is demanding a thing from me, very peaceful.
♥ How I felt swimming in the river last Sunday. For a little while, my extra fluffiness didn't matter. I felt cool and refreshed, physically and mentally. It felt amazing!
♥ Knowing that things are starting to change for me already. I L♥VE that!
♥ Seeing my crazy hair in the mirror. Currently it is a Smurf blue and it just makes me smile!
My hair. That can be a bone of contention sometimes. I am about 9 days away from 42 and so not a soccer mom. I missed my rebellious years by being in the Army and dressing like a shrub. I am all about being unique and yourself. I hate being "cookie cutter". I have no issues with being different. I relish it. But there are many that don't get it. And that's okay. It's my head, my life, and I love it. Over the past few years, it has been pink, blue, purple, and turquoise. And frequently a combo of more than one. Pink is my usual and my favorite. It has been shocking to me, the reaction to a 40+ year old woman with crazy hair. Some love it and some hate it. And those who hate it have zero problem making sure I know their feelings on the subject. I have been called names, been judged in unbelievable ways, made fun of in totally non-subtle ways. Okay. I think it is a bit ridiculous to judge one's personality, mothering skills, wifeliness, and character by hair color, but okay. I do my hair like this because it makes me happy. I love it and it makes me smile when I look in the mirror. My kids love that I am fearless with it and even my somewhat "vanilla" husband loves it, especially when it is pink. It is my badge, my creative expression, my little spark of Goddesshood.
But it has been a bone of contention in other ways. I hate copying. I hate having inspiration or creativity and havig someone snake it away for their own without making it their own. Changing it, making whatever it is unique to yourself. About a year ago, I met a woman. Just about the first thing she did was mildly insult/make fun of me and my hair. I let it go. We became friends. Within two weeks of knowing one another, her hair was pink. It annoyed me, but I dealt. I changed my hair back to blonde shortly thereafter. Within days, her normally brunette hair was blonde. I went purple. She went purple. I went blue. She went blue. I got pissed. I went red. She went red. I got more pissed. I went black. Guess what she did? Yup. I went to blond and brunette. So did she. I went back to pink. Hmmmm. Yep. And so on. Eventually it stopped when her husband came home and said no. Mind you, we live in a small town in upstate NY where women of a certain age do not do this to their hair.
It wasn't just the hair. It quickly became everything I did. It overwhelmed me, sapped my creativity, sapped me. There were other things, too, which added to that, but that is where it started. I lost my love for it because it wasn't mine anymore. It wasn't just that she colored her hair funny. It was the concentrated effort to be twins that I hated. But then I realized that I was letting her take from me what was mine to begin with. My love for it. It was and is soul food for me. So I have it again, this time in Smurfy blue. Some of my hair ♥ (pics are clickable for larger images):
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