The last few weeks have been all about change for me.. It is needed and it is time. A big part of change, in my opinion, is the journey to it. Open heart, open mind, and you can discover so much and learn so much. And I have. Some of it comes from new blogs focused just on this sort of thing, and some of it comes with truly supportive friends. I have never been one to follow along a single line of thought, always eclectic. I am pretty eclectic in everything!! But I am also a big believer that there is something to be learned or gained from most everywhere. Even if not taken or used in the same way, there is still wisdom to be gained. And one thing I have learned is that, no matter how much you want change, it isn't always easy.
The other thing that I have learned is that it is all too easy to fall back ito old habits, especially in long-standing, completely toxic, dysfunctional situations. That is my day today. On the surface, the situation seems pretty benign. But there is so much more to it. There are years and years of crap that goes along with it. It has made the current moment almost a symbol, a representation, of all the attached BS. I have spent most of my almost 42 years having it slapped in my face how little I matter to this person. And the thing is, I can say from my soul with complete honesty and confidence, the reason I am hated is not a single thing that I did wrong. Part of it was control. I couldn't be controlled. And I don't mean this in a negative way. I wasn't an out of control teen, always in trouble or anything like that. It was that I had my own opinions, my own dreams, my own vision of my future. I could think for myself and did so. I wasn't disobedient, none of that. I just was my own person. And this isn't just my own opinion of myself. This is the opinion of everyone else but this person. The rest of it comes from the choices this person has made, consistently choosing an inanimate object over the animate. There is so much more I want to share on this subject, so much more that I need to share. But I can't because the person in question could very easily read this blog and ake my life a living hell.
To be honest, part of me wonders why I care because that person has never once given a crap about me, even though they are supposed to. But that isn't who I am. But bottling it up is going against who I am. I talked about that yesterday, dealing with your negative crap and letting it go. And here I am, the very next day, bottlling it up. I realize that there are more ways to deal and let it out than my blog, but writing has always been my biggest therapy. And, really, I can barely talk about it because the tears start coming. So writing is my outlet.
And, I have to say, there is no small amount of beating myself up about it. I kind of feel like I am giving them my power, being a doormat, for letting them make me feel so sad and hurt. Even after all this time and the sheer amount of BS, it still hurts me to the soul. Why do I still let it bother me?! It's been proved time and time again how little I mean to them, and still, here I am, destrpyed. That's so not healthy or right. But the nature of the relationship makes it hard to sever.
So here I am, falling once again. This is going to be a true test of how much I want change I CAN'T LOSE THIS!
So touching. I love you hun.