One of my goals for November was to let go of the resentment and anger I have been dragging around to make room for some more positive, healthier things. Sounds so much easier than it actually is. The reality is… the line between "letting go" and "I'm a doormat" is a fine one. How do you balance the need for positivity with the right to be treated with consideration, compassion, and openmindedness? I don't know and that is where my struggle lies.
For so long, I came last. Last with others in my life, and last with myself. There are a lot of reasons why, a lot of experiences, that led to it. Sometimes it is an individual experience that affects you. Sometimes it something that happens over and over. Sometimes it is just the combination of all kinds of negative crap that happens too often that drains you and wears you down. That is essentially what has happened to me. Some things were worse and more powerfully bad than others. But, more than that, it was the feeling that I could never break free from the crap. One thing after another. Barely able to catch my breath before something else happened. It wasn't as simple as getting out of a bad relationship or changing jobs. It was love, family, friendships, betrayal, death, rape… and so on. It wore me down and left me a virtual shell of myself.
I have come to the point in my life that I am done with that. I am done with feeling "less than". It's not okay to treat me like I don't exist except for your use. It's not okay to treat me as if I have no feelings. It's not okay to judge me without knowing the facts, or even then. It is okay to not understand, to not know things about me, to not agree, to think I am nuts for whatever reason. It's not okay to treat me with disrespect because of any of those things. But the fact is that I have set a bit of a precedent with my life. I spent so much time feeling like I was nothing that I let people walk all over me. I look back now and it is kind of shocking to see how much I let that happen. A lot of how I am treated is my own fault. So changing that is a struggle. It is happening, but it isn't always easy. I have had to cut some people out of my life because of it, which was something I never anticipated but which was necessary.
Today is a struggle. Today what I want is to scream and yell. I want to be acknowledged for my hurt, my feelings, and my point. I don't want to be the bad guy for sticking up for myself. I don't want to read things that rant against the very things I fought for myself about. Why didn't those concepts matter when they were being pointed at others? That's the thing about life. We have all had our good times and our bad times. People need to remember that. It doesn't give anyone the right to trash another. If anything, it should increase that consideration, compassion, and openmindedness. Instead, today is one of those days when I want to drop my contact with the outside world to just about nothing.