Controversial yet brave opinion… closure and making amends can be overrated, even harmful. At least in cases when the one seeking the closure and making the amends is the party that wronged, rather than the wronged party. That word salad was probably a little convoluted, wasn’t it? All I’m saying is this. If you, as a victim, need closure, then absolutely seek it. But if you were the wrongdoer in this equation? That’s a whole different story.
In my very humble opinion, sometimes it feels incredibly selfish. It can feel like being victimized all over again when the person that hurt you or did you wrong comes along with their need for closure, their need to make amends. That’s what I take issue with. It’s no longer about the victim of your bad behavior; it’s solely about you. And I don’t think you have the right to demand, or even ask, for absolution. I’m not talking about taking accountability or offering a simple apology. Take that accountability. Offer that simple apology. But don’t go into it with your needs being the priority.
Yes, I’m having a case of ass. Why? Because I’m living through this, again, at the moment. And I’m over it.
Let’s call him Hubert.
Hubert is from a time in my life that ended more than a quarter century ago. Quantitatively, Hubert and I were walking the same path for less than three years. But we share a child, a child whom he has not seen since said child was less than three months old. Said child is now pushing 30, to give a bit of a timeframe without having to do the math. This was not by my choice or design. Every now and then, Hubert resurfaces. The first few times, it was for varying reasons, during which shared child was not the priority. One notable early contact was to tell me, not long after a family emergency that had necessitated my return home to my family and on my birthday, that he would not be joining me as planned. Why? Because he’d been cheating on me… again. As he had for much of our short-lived marriage, including my pregnancy. (Fun fact… the day I got out of the hospital after having said child, we went to his workplace to show off child. As it turned out, the “friend” he allowed to hold our baby was the woman who was his latest paramour.) There was contact a few months after this one, this time to confess a dalliance with a family member. My family member, to be clear!!
After that, the next contact came after literal years of silence, setting the pattern for the next 25+ years. Each one seems to coincide with some sort of “introspective” journey in which the language used sounds like a boho girl on Instagram following her journey to find herself. Yes, I am cynical. I’ve years of anecdotal justification of surface-level apologies that go no deeper than the words passing through lips, of zero true accountability or even acknowledgment of the things done.
But despite my cynicism, I’ve always kept the access open. During said child’s minor years, there was never a single attempt to begin a relationship, something I would’ve been open to. It’s only in the last several years that that was even suggested by Hubert. “Suggested” is a light word. It feels like a lightly worded demand. But herein lies the problem. Said child doesn’t know him. He has no connection to him. My feeling is that I support his choice, whatever it may be. If he wants a relationship with him, great. That’s his choice. If he doesn’t, great. That’s his choice. I won’t be offended or mad either way. That’s always been my take on it.
And now Hubert’s back again, on another journey. Cool, cool, cool. And for some reason, this time, it’s pissed me off a bit. Which is a little odd, seeing as I long ago made peace with who and what Hubert was. I’ve had my opinions on his sincerity, on some of his choices, but I’ve kept them to myself. I’ve lived my life without much thought about him on the day to day. So why am I annoyed now? Frustration? Justified anger? Being fed up with the lack of true accountability? All of the above?
Part of it is the continued request for said child’s contact information. He’s asked for it before, several times. He’s been given the same answer every time. I won’t give it to him unless said child says it’s okay to do so. Said child has declined, asking me to keep it undisclosed. I owe my respect to my kid. End of story. But still the question—demand?—comes. Another part of it was something he said, about how whether things were good or bad didn’t matter to him. To me, there are two ways to take this statement. One, that he no longer cares if he acted in a good or bad way. Two, it carries the implication that I hold some of the bad. There are very few times in life when I would characterize myself as entirely blameless in a given situation, but this is one of them. I became a doormat, I tried so hard. So no. Not taking that on me. Either way, it ticks me off. It feels like a still total lack of accountability. Does it affect me anymore? No, definitely not. But that still doesn’t mean it’s okay, that his behavior in our marriage and as a father deserves to be dismissed as unimportant.
Like I said, I might be cynical. Anecdotal justification. It’s real. But the dude has had decades to establish a relationship with his kid, but he’s only reached out a handful of times. This despite the fact that he’s always had a pathway to him. So I’m not really filled with a feeling of confidence that said child is really what matters to him. I have the same question now that I do every time he deigns to reach out. Why now? And I think it’s a question that deserves an answer.
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