This has been one of those days when I have had moments of being inexplicably angry and unbelievably sad. I spent most of the morning trying to ignore it and it has gotten me nowhere except throbbing in pain from a stress neck ache. That’s no good.
I read a post early last year, written by Dominee of Blessing Manifesting, someone who has helped me immeasurably with her words… even if she doesn’t know it! The post was about anger, but I think it applies just as much to sadness. She talks about how hard it can be to own up to our anger, or sadness. It’s something that we often can’t find our way around or out of, so we push it aside and ignore it. She also points out that we tend to look at our anger/sadness from the point of view of those outside of us, in how it affects those around us. We don’t pay attention to how much it affects ourselves.
This completely hits the nail on the head for me. That is exactly how it is for me. I think part of it is the fact that, as a wife and mother, I spend most of my life taking care of their needs before mine. I think I have just gotten used to putting myself last, something I have done for so long that I generally don’t even realize it. And part of it is my own fault. For years, I have been praised for being strong, independent, and capable. Let’s face it… that feels good. But it has also gotten me to the point where I feel like giving in to the anger/sadness makes me weak. But it doesn’t. It makes me human.
The reality is that you have to find a way around the anger or sadness if you ever want to be truly at peace. And you can’t do that by ignoring it. You have to own it and accept it for what it is. You have to figure out just what it is that makes you so sad or so angry. That sounds so much simpler than it really is.
There is so much going on inside my head right now that I am having a hard time sorting it all out. The sadness is probably the easy part, at least in recognizing it. Losing my Mia before I even got a chance to know her, to hold her, to be her mom. That hurts. But I accept it for what it is and I know that it is normal.
The anger is something else entirely. That one is going to take some time. But I realized that the first step to letting it go is giving myself a break. God knows, I have reasons to be ticked. I realized during the course of writing this post that some of it is being pissed at myself for allowing certain others to even get to me. I tell myself that it is the principle of the matter. And some of it probably is exactly that. That kind of anger has no point because there is no way to get closure on it. I have to own it and accept it for myself because I am never going to get the resolution I want. But the reality is… some of it really just hurts.